the inside of my twirling universe

These words can't accurately say what I mean, but it's the closest I can come. God is SO good. He is more than I deserve and blesses me in so many ways every single day. I am so thrilled by the fact I get to spend eternity with him forever. Let me tell you about him...

My God didn't make me perfect. He had a better plan. He loves me anyway, and decided to make a plan of redemption instead of a person of perfection... He hears me. He answers me even when I can't see the answers! Today I've recognized a couple more answers to prayer.

My day was incredibly busy (ihatethis) from school, to work, to church... and there's 13 hours of my life gone. With a life like that it's hard to find time to think about God, but he's made himself SO evident in my life. First... the sunrise was simply amazing and beautiful. He reminds me to work on my memory verses before my mind gets too overloaded. My God never gives up on me. I am blessed this semester to have a class (maybe I've talked about it), the psychology of caring for your soul. This class isn't just a class. It is providing me with the opportunity to read 2 books devoted to the idea of re-forming my character to be more like Christ. So even within my busy day, I have a class like this to help me slow down and think about my inner-self and not all that's spinning around me. I feel like it's just a bonus to get college credit for this "work."

After school I go work with my kiddos, who by the way are so impressive. I could brag about them for a while... They make me so proud and I smile constantly because of them. I got to play soccer with a couple boys today and that was the highlight of my day. ANOTHER blessing. I can't explain how I even got the job working with these little people, but God gave it to me.

After work I met with a friend and got to share a little of what's been happening with my life and some of my answers to prayer. She's an awesome listener... I feel like I talked the whole time, but she told me I was an encouragement to her and I thank God for that... I totally wasn't meeting up with her to think "I'm gunna ENCOURAGE her and be a blessing!" But God works things out beautifully.

After friend time, I went to the college service at church... blessing after blessing after blessing (I need a new word for blessing) has come to me through this church. Last summer that very friend I met with today prayed with me about finding a church I could get connected with where God wants me to be. 6 months later, I'm at Brainerd Baptist and am so much more engaged in my relationship with the Lord. Anyway, the Word preached was about building an authentic Biblical community. I prayed that God will help me to bear other people's burdens (not praying with any specific person in mind) and to reach out to others instead of thinking about myself all the time. I didn't realize it until I was driving home that within an hour God answered that.

I got to talk with a (new) friend and I was just saying hello but she opened up to me and let me share some of her burdens and also helped me bear some of mine. I am sooo moved by her heart for God and how brokenhearted she is when she knows something is not the way it should be with her Savior. We prayed together and the way she used Scripture and song lyrics throughout her prayer was beautiful. I love the fact that I can pray with a friend openly, not worrying about what people think but only focusing on possibly the only thing we have in common - our Lord.

God is working on me in many ways... so pray with me that I will be who he wants me to be as an individual but more as a part of a community, a family of believers. I want to find my place within this church (and by church I mean body of believers in Christ, not a building) to do the things God commands - to help people with their problems, to point out sin when it needs to be confronted, to encourage each other in the Word, to pray with people...and whatever else He has in mind.

I am blessed beyond what I can tell you in a blog... or in person. or anywhere.
I looked up "blessed" on thesaurus.com and the only synonym I like enough to mention is "redeemed" but even so, that's not what I mean.
Praise God with me... pray with me, tell me how I can pray for you.

what God said

Around Saturday afternoon I always start to wonder what I should blog about and think... ugh do I have to do it again? But, it's more exciting than the homework I'm procrastinating not to mention this is something I want to remember a year from now... It's my blog so I can write about pretty much anything. I'm not sure why I get anxious about the topic of my blog...

3 weeks ago I wrote my spiritual goals for the year down and marked on my calendar every other Sunday to review my goals. So last week I reviewed them and the one that didn't measure up or really show any progress was the goal to pray more intimately. I asked my discipleship group to pray for me in that area and ... touche... the sermon this week is on prayer. Not to be depressing, but I feel like everytime someone talks about prayer in church, they say the same thing. It always comes around to praying for every single person you know or have ever heard of which just seems impossible to me. The one thing I liked most from the sermon today though was this: You can't really learn to pray by reading books (I've tried), or talking about it in a classroom. You learn by doing it, by practicing.

With that, I'll share some recent answers to prayers. If I talk to you regularly, you probably have already heard this. :P
I mentioned my discipleship group is praying with me... The fact that I have a set of friends I refer to as my discipleship group is an answer to prayer. About 4 weeks before we met together for the first time, I started praying for a group. I didn't know where to find one or who I wanted to be with. My schedule with school and work and church from 8am Monday til 5pm Friday is way too crazy for my taste... but somehow among all that, the 4 of us have the same empty spaces in our schedules. We've only met twice so I don't really know them that well but I am so blessed to have a group for this purpose, to help me grow spiritually and stay accountable, and to have a new set of friends - people I probably wouldn't have chosen to hang out with if God hadn't brought us together.

Before the new year I was asked to be a nanny over the summer for one of my girls at school and her sister. I started praying about it and 2 weeks later met with the mom. I had my expectations coming into the "meeting" and she had hers for their family. So over coffee she told me what she was willing to offer and I wasn't really sure so I didn't give her a definite answer. The week before I was also asked to work at a summer camp. (It is against my nature to think about summer plans in JANUARY but... such is life.) When it came down to the details of which job I wanted (5 months ahead of time), summer camp is less work for about the same money. Being a nanny and investing in 2 little lives for 3 months to me sounds priceless. When I wrote out the pro's and con's of each... the only thing stopping me from saying yes to the mom of those girls was money.
As I've been reading through Proverbs this month, over and over again God has showed me how unimportant money is. Taking this job as a nanny will pay my bills plus some... that's more than I need regardless of how it compares to other jobs. Here's what God said... (The mom and I met on January 16th... and this is from Proverbs 16... not an accident)

Proverbs 16:3 - Commit your work to the LORD and your plans will be established.
Proverbs 16:16 - How much better to get wisdom than gold! To get understanding is to be chosen rather than silver.
Proverbs 16:20 - Whoever gives thought to the word (or to a matter) will discover good, and blessed is he who trusts in the LORD.























I felt peace in making this decision and after talking to a few people about what they think I should do, my
decision was made. These verses confirmed for me what I was specifically praying to God about.

What really gets under my skin are those people who will say "yeah pray about it. God will tell you what to do. You just listen to him." Then... when I make my decision based on God's guidance, if it's not the choice that falls in their favor they have a bad attitude towards me. They hold a grudge against me for doing the very thing they told me to do... Can't it be enough that I'm doing this because God told me to?

I was going to add more about what God's been speaking to me about but... I think this is long enough. :) Please share with me what God's been saying to you. It excites me to hear about what He's doing other places too. :)

working with little lives

Anyone who knows anything about me knows how much I adore kids. For the first time (in my entire 5 years of being in the work force...) I have a job that truly brings me joy each day and even when I'm not having a good day, I smile and laugh anyway.

Adults are so annoying and set in their ways. You can't really tell them anything. We just don't wanna hear it. But kids... (sometimes are annoying too but that's not the point) ... will go along with the flow most of the time. They don't really care about being on time or what their hair looks like. They're so carefree and who else can say the highlight of your day is when you got the color popsicle that you really wanted? 

When I'm irritated they make me smile by seeing a squirrel run across the playground and almost in unison 14 kids run together screaming "squirrel!!" thinking it's gunna come when they call it. What I love most about working with kids is that I get to influence a kid's life. There is a huge difference in a childcare worker who's there because they need the money and a childcare worker who genuinely invests in a life. 

More than half of my k5 kids are probably classified as "problem kids" or the ones that teachers kinda hope they're not in their class. Sometimes they can be a little out of control but I love seeing their personality shine. I love seeing their preferences, what they get excited about, and what they're sensitive about, what's important to them. I feel like I know these kids' parents better than they think I do because your kids say so much about you. 

The worst part about my job is seeing the kids get hurt. I'm not talking about needing a bandaid or even spraining a wrist. I mean when their families fall apart and they get angry and just don't know how to react. They don't know that it's not really socially acceptable to tell people about your parents' problems. They don't know that it's not okay to be angry with everyone and everything because of your own problems so they just let it all out, sorta. It breaks my heart to see one of my kids who feels lost in his world because his foundation (his family) is crumbling. 

One child I worked with for many hours last semester and about once or twice per week now has really been a challenge. He's only three years old and yes he could be better behaved, but knows when people expect him to be bad and he does exactly what you expect him to do. I expect him to do what I tell him and with directions and sometimes redirection, he obeys! He has made so much progress since I started working with him about 5 months ago. It's such a joy to see him growing phyically, mentally, and linguistically. It kills me to hear people talk about this kid like he's some kind of devil though. I really just want to stand up to them and tell them to stop judging this kid. If something is messed up, they assume this kid did it. If someone is crying, of course it's his fault; he must have made the kid cry. This proves that you can learn something from everyone. From these people I've learned that your expectations of kids come true to a large extent... so expect them to be the best.

One of my girls is like me in that she loves doing creative things. When I was little my favorite aisle wasn't the toy aisle but the office supply section where there were so many pretty pens and brand new notebooks and neon highlighters. One day last week she came in with her unopened stationary set. When she opened it I was just as fascinated with it as she was so I kinda serious kinda jokingly said "You're gunna write me a letter now right?" She asked for a pen and tried to hide what she was doing but I knew she was really writing me a note on her cute stationary! I was super excited, ha. Here is the note she wrote me... complete with stamps and a sticker to seal it.

Sometimes I wish my name was easier to spell phonetically.

Lily-Claire at her brother's basketball game :)

engagement pictures

Today I had an amazingly fun time taking pictures of my newly engaged friends Lindi and Joe. I also took engagement pictures for my already married friends Sarah and Jake which you can look at here if you're interested. Lindi's turned out much better than I expected! Here's just a few that I edited today...

love their blue eyes :) (didn't even edit them to make them look like this!)

"longest forehead kiss ever"

possibly the coolest building in downtown Chattanooga

love soldier pictures :)

my favorite of all

cute little church clothes :)

You are my sunshine :)

I love this because it captures our entire day I think... Joe being retarded and Lindi laughing :) I love how happy they are together!

devotion

School started this week which has made life way too busy for my taste. Regardless, it's what I do. My favorite class this semester will probably be my special topics psych class called the Psychology of Caring for Your Soul. We will be reading through 2 books and talking about spiritual disciplines - ironic that my church is going through the same thing at the same time? Probably not... I hope to learn much in this class that is truly relavent to my life. I love having a class that will make my walk with God deeper and strengthen my faith rather than bog me down with pointless memorizing.

One thing that bothered me this week was, to put it generally, legalism. Growing up in a Christian school and various churches, I've heard so many people talk about how important it is to have devotions every day. "Have devotions" - what does that even mean? Devotion to me means dedication, faithfulness, promising to be diligent, persevering. Synonyms (thank you dictionary.com) are zeal and ardor, fervor, passion. Yet when I think of "do devotions" it carries a negative, dutiful connotation. Maybe it's just me. Or maybe it's the idea that's been portrayed to me that being devoted to God means reading the Bible, maybe another book which they choose for me, writing down prayer requests when people make them known, and praying before you eat. (None of these people who gave me this idea would actually come out and say that those things are what makes up Christianity, but that's how it comes across.) Why don't I associate "passion, fervor, zeal" with devotions?

One thing said in my Care for the Soul class was something about getting away from the concept that I must read my Bible every single day in order to be a good Christian, and clinging to the idea that God is always with me. Sometimes life happens and you can't spend hours each day studying the Word. That doesn't mean God loves us any less or isn't as present with us as He could be.

When doing things, "disciplines" as I'm coming to call them, to pursue godliness becomes boring, monotonous, and unenthusiastic, I need to reevaluate what it is I'm pursuing. I've tried reading a book and writing my thoughts down and getting it signed off by youth leader each week - that didn't satisfy me. What deeply satisfies is pursuing a Person who gives truth and grace.

This video also crossed my path (and by path I mean facebook news feed) this week. I feel it's relavent...

(Also, read this about it... http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/kevindeyoung/2012/01/13/does-jesus-hate-religion-kinda-sorta-not-really/ ) I had my doubts when I watched it about the truthfulness of each and every phrase, but decided I like what this guy is trying to say. While definitions of words DO matter, in a person's own creative work... isn't it okay to define it relatively? maybe...

spiritual goals

I'm not one for New Year's Resolutions. I don't have anything against them, persay. But if I make up my mind to do something, I can do it anytime... and generally there's nothing that really hits me on Dec. 31. But for those who enjoy the "new start" (which is really just the next day), kudos to you for setting goals. Being the beginning of this year, my church is starting a new study called The Pursuit, focusing how to pursue godliness through spiritual disciplines. The reason I love this: Church is a body of believers who need to be fed spiritually. This is very practical for believers. Drives me crazy to be preached to in church as if the audience is unsaved. Today's message was on The Pursuit of Godliness. Don't stop reading now thinking I'm just repreaching what was already preached... I'm gettin to the point, just hang on. In 1 Timothy 4, Paul likens spiritual growth and training to physical growth and training. So many people set physical goals, but unless these goals are detailed, they probably won't last very long - especially not all year. The question was asked... What is your spiritual goal this year?

While I'm not into making up resolutions that I won't keep anyway, this question is legit and there's no reason I shouldn't have a spiritual goal. So I went home and thought this through... I first scribbled some general goals, just as a starting point. Then moved to specific goals - the same goals, just refining them. The general goals answered the question "What?" ... what did I wanna do, how do I wanna change? The specific goals answered the questions "how?" and "when?". I'm thankful to have been challenged to do this. After coming up with how and when and struggling along the way as to what's biblical and what's heresay, I turned the page and asked "why?" I'll share all this with you... not to brag or show off, but so that you can help keep me accountable, and maybe help me answer this one thing I struggle with.

General: what?

• memorize scripture and review often
• finish study of Colossians
• finish study of Holy Spirit (Chan)
• apply prinicples from messages in church
• be more bold with my faith and sharing the gospel
• pray more intimately with God
• love God with more than my mind - move facts from head to heart and take action
• finish Proverbs in January

Specific: how? when?

• follow the plan on the bookmark (which I also picked up from church... here's a link if you want to print your own. I have set 2.) set 1 set 2 - Start on Sundays, review on Saturdays - Sunday if I miss.
• Finish Colossians by end of February -- March 1
• Finish Holy Spirit study by summer -- June 1(ish)
• notecards with application points, sticky notes
• pray for boldness, look for opportunities, don't quench the leading of Spirit
  This is the one I have trouble with. Do I really need to wait for the Spirit to lead me to share the gospel with someone? The Bible says, proclaim the gospel. However, it's probably not wise to stop every single person in your path and start preaching Romans 3:23. But isn't that what the disciples did- preach all the time? But aren't there other ways to share the gospel than my literally preaching? Yes, by the way you live. Do I need to set a goal i.e. share the gospel with 4 people each week? That's what some legalistic churches I've been in would say. I know I've felt the Spirit leading me to talk to a particular person about Christ and share the entire gospel, and ignored it. So, in fact, the Spirit does tell me with whom to share. ... I could go back and forth all day. Please, share your thoughts on this. 
• Learn how to pray from Scripture - study this in Summer
• Ask God for a soft heart and teachable spirit, sensitive to the Holy Spirit

Why?? Coming from my family, "because I said so" is a good enough answer. Thankfully, God isn't like Paul (my dad, not the apostle) in this area! He actually gives us many reasons beyond "because I said so."

• The value of this extends to eternity 1Timothy 4:8
• For discipline Hebrews 12:10-14 -- for our good , so we may share in God's holiness, it yields fruit - righteousness, and without discipline, no one will see the Lord!
• to please God 1 Thessalonians 4:2-8 -- God calls me to holiness; if I disregard his commandments, I'm disregarding God Himself. (not really where I wanna be)
• reap eternal life Galatians 6:6-10 --Basically, you reap what you sow. Don't grow weary.
• God is faithful to do His part; I must be faithful to do my part. 1 Corinthians 3:5-9
• I'm called to be holy. 1 Peter 1:13-16
• and lastly... because I'm me... why not??

God certainly sent this message to me just in time. This week I start school, which makes my spiritual life suffer because "I don't have time" and "I don't feel like it." God doesn't take excuses though. I am obligated as God's child to worship Him with my entire life, and spiritually train myself for godliness. 

Galatians 6:9 gives encouragement not to give up - "And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."

Isaiah 40:8  - my memory verse for this week (first verse on that bookmark) also gives a little push - "The grass withers, the flower fades, but the Word of our God will stand forever." Nothing else I'm doing really matters as much as learning the Word of God. The boring stuff I learn in school won't matter after finals in May and I won't remember it when I'm old. This is the only thing that matters.

I encourage you to pray about spiritual goals you have for yourself, and allow God to lead you as you write them out, general, specific, asking what? when? where? how? and why? Share them with a friend (me if you like ;)) and check on them every couple of weeks to see where you are. Are are you on track? Let's help each other out.

This was my memory verse from last week.
I wrote it on a sticky note and
stuck it on my computer,
took a picture of it,
made it look cool and
set it as the background on my phone...
works for me.

Hair cut!

A few days ago at church I noticed one of my little girl's hair cut. She had it stacked in the back and longer in the front, a "bob" as the old people say. It has grown out now and looks kinda funny, but it's still cute because she's 4. Going back to school this week, one of my other girls in first grade got probably about a foot cut off her hair and it looks so good! Her's was just a straight across cut. 

Today I just got tired of seeing the same ole hair in the mirror and didn't have much better to do, so I decided I'd look up a stacked hairstyle... these pictures were my inspiration. After sending these to my friends, I was convinced.

This is my most recent picture before I got my hair cut .

I was really nervous and didn't want to have to wait a long time to get it cut. I'd probably just spend the time questioning myself and deciding to change my mind. So I used the awesome Great Clips app and checked in online. When I got to the store and told the girl my name, she took me right away. I didn't even have time to sit down, much less change my mind. I decided around 3:00 I'd get it cut, and by 4:00 I was sitting in their chair...

I told her I was nervous and showed her these pictures. She seemed confident, much more than me! But she kept asking me "are you sure you want your hair cut??" I was like uhh YES JUST DO IT! I didn't look up until she was all done... I heard the first snip and took a deep breath lol. Anyways... I love it! (Try to ignore the dirtiness of the mirror.)

I might add more pictures from my mom's camera after a while...

What do you think?

The Rescue

Large print is nice to my eyes ha

I just finished reading The Rescue by Nicholas Sparks. I've read other Sparks books and cried for a minute, but this one had me crying for 2 days... I was so engrossed with the characters. When Denise and Taylor were fighting, I was really mad and wanted to scream! When Taylor finally reveals his past to Denise, I could feel the knots in his stomach and the awkward way Denise listened and cried with him. As Denise watches her son Kyle make progress from not talking at all to forming words of his own, I take pride in him like he's my own son. I believe the reason this book is so touching is because of its basis. On his website, here, you can read about Sparks' inspiration. This book was his first #1 and it's interesting to read about his writer's block . To sum it up, the son in this book, Kyle, is 5 years old but can only communicate on a 2 year old level. His disorder causes him to jumble words up that he hears and when he tries to speak he's not sure what order the sounds go in. It's a language barrier that Sparks dealt with with his own son and now, after hours of dedication, he's fine. This book urges me to be a better parent, and I'm not even a parent yet. It lets me know that what I think is my "patience" with my kids at school, is nothing compared to what some parents go through in working with kids who require extra attention. I would be so blessed if God chose me to parent a child like that.

Have you read the book? Tell me what you think about it. And if you haven't read it? Pick it up. Then tell me. :) 

A cold Hawaiian day

My last post was on the serious side of things, so this should lighten things up a bit. My mind has been in blog mode all day which means anything remotely interesting registers as "I could blog about that!" We'll see how much of that really makes it into this blog.

When I woke up this morning, I thought, "I wanna be a teacher!" Today was a teacher day. Tomorrow - probably won't be. We'll just see. For those who don't know, I'm majoring in English Education and Psychology. I want to be a school counselor, but I also could see myself teaching. sometimes. like today. 

I started the morning off meeting Lindi for coffee/brunch. Last week we did the same thing, but it wasn't just to hang out. For a couple months now, every day we try to text each other a Bible verse, or something we've learned that day concerning our relationship with Christ. It's amazing how much better I've been about staying on track simply because she'll text me a verse. I don't read my Bible just because I want to send her a verse, but it gives me that extra push to actually DO it, then God gives the rewards of it. So starting last week we decided to share our verses in person for that day, and it was really cool! For January we decided to read through Proverbs together. Today being the third, we read Proverbs 3 out loud and made fun notes about it. It's very cool to be able to do that with a friend. I've never had that, and I'm not sure why, but I'm sure glad I do now!

After Lindi and I had our lovely time, I went to Fresh Market. Have you ever been to Fresh Market? It's not enough just to know about Fresh Market; you must experience Fresh Market. This is how Fresh Market makes me feel. I walk in and everything is green, I feel healthy! I hear classical music, I feel sophisticated and fancy. I see fresh stuff that's not in Walmart, I feel wealthy! THEN! I see oriental, exotic, unAmerican things which make me feel less American! Truly, it is an experience. Here's a picture of my stuff I got.

 The cheese is baby swiss. I don't like aged swiss, but I could eat this whole block in one sitting. Chocolate covered peanuts are always yummy and remind me of my grandpa. Then those little squares are for me to share with you as part of the unAmerican experience! I'm not even sure what they are yet! because that's not English. I'm assuming hazlenut for the green, then the brown one is a cracker? We'll see :)

After my Fresh experience, I consumed some cheeeeese (enough to go with one serving of the crackers lol), then went for a walk with my mom at the park. Lucy, my dog, came too. It was so pretty! It was about 30 degrees all day today. This is cold for Chattanooga. We complain when it's 60 degrees in December, then cry when it's 30 in January... gotta talk about somethin I reckon. I thought it was pretty lovely considering I had on leggings, jeans, socks, 1...2..3 shirts, a hoodie, and a jacket, a scarf and a hat. The sun was refreshing today.

Where I spend my summers.

After our walk, we (I) made pizza. It was alright I guess... At least it was pretty...

Before it went in the oven

It's a Hawaiian pizza since it has ham and pineapple. When I have a family some day, I want to have at least one night each week that's a theme party (mostly dinner). For example, tonight would have been Hawaiian night and my girls would wear grass skirts and leighs and the boys would wear tacky flowery shirts with shorts. We would do something that people from the chosen culture do. Like... if we were asian maybe we would eat with chopsticks while sitting on pillows on the floor. I'd do my research and make it educational and fun for my kiddos.

Two more semi-related things:

Related to my time with Lindi: School starts next week for both of us. Right now, it's easy to do my study of the Bible and prayer time because I want to do it and I feel like doing it. When I have homework for 3 classes, paper for another, and a test in another? I'm not gunna feel like doing it. I won't have time. But I have to make time, and make myself do it even when I don't feel like it. Hopefully this accountability thing Lindi and I have will help push both of us forward in doing it. If you care to pray for us, do. Maybe my readers can keep me accountable by making sure I mention something I'm learning every so often, like every week when I blog (like I'm supposed to....).

Kiddos!: I have so missed my kids! I don't really miss going to work, but I do miss the joy they bring me daily. Tomorrow I will see them again. No, I don't feel like getting up and getting ready for work, but I do look forward to seeing their smiling faces and eagerness to see what snack we have or what games we'll play or if they have to wear their jackets outside. I'm pretty sure that tomorrow nothing they do will make me mad because I will just be so glad to see them again! I pray that this extra time with their family and less structured time will make them excited to come back to school (Yeah right), and that I'll be able to manage all of them despite this recovery from vacation. How thankful I am for a job that I adore with children who make my life such a bright place to live! :D I'm sure you'll be hearing about some of the cute things they say or do that I'd like to share. Until then...

Take your hands off.

This is something that's constantly in the back of my mind. It's not easy to write about with the thought that someone else will read this. I don't want to talk about it, yet it's still this long. I feel like if I can spit it all out, get it down visibly, maybe I can organize it and make some sense of it. This video was shared by one of my facebook friends. This particular friend I don't know very well, but you don't have to know much about her to know that she is totally in love with Jesus. I'm encouraged by her each time I talk to her as she has a beautiful soul, not to mention she's beautiful outwardly as well.

This video seems like just another thing to go along with those cliche retreats that Christian-school kids go on where they separate the boys and the girls and you're supposed to get close to God. They have some pretty cool music, some random speaker that no one really knows, and an emotional high when the Spirit of God is present. Many committments are made and tears come running. Then, two days later, you come down off the mountain, you're at home with your family again. Your family hasn't changed. Your friends who didn't go on the retreat haven't changed, so you forget what God did and what committments you made.

This video, however, rings very true to my own heart. Before I say more, I'll let you watch it.

I can't tell you how many guys I've adored in my head. I say "in my head" because maybe my best friend would know, perhaps my mom if I let it slip, but I never actually told a guy I liked him. I'm a firm believer that the guy should pursue me, plus I'm shy sometimes, so it's awkward to think about just telling someone "I like you." I love how Paula, the girl in the video, says she asked God to free her from her idolatry. Idolatry? I never bowed down to worship a person... but an idol is anything that I want more than I want God. Even now, I'm not crazy about every boy I see or anything like that, but it seems like I always have in the back of my mind this ideal story of falling in love with the right guy, getting married, and having cute babies.

In church services, not just now but for years, I'll notice someone and want him to notice me. Sometimes I've even asked God to make me focus on Him, focus on what I'm really singing, not on this person whom I want to notice me. Even when I pray, it doesn't always happen. Even when I do know what I'm singing, I'm still distracted! It drives. me. crazy. I hate it about myself! Church isnt' the easiest place to forget about wanting to be in a relationship. Look around, you have all these cute couples whose relationship, of course, is centered and established in Christ. Even married couples - they're in ministry together, they can go to the "married people's class," and even hang out with their married friends. It just makes me want that more.

I realize now that I probably sound like a desperate person who needs someone to make my life complete. That's not the truth- I'm very happy at this point in life without a boyfriend and sometimes empathize with my friends who are in relationships because they have so much more drama to deal with than I do. I'm actually pretty proud of myself for not having a boyfriend for quite a while because boys tend to be a stumbling block that comes between me and God. But, I don't have to have a boyfriend in order for them to be a stumbling block. I can't honestly say that I even want a relationship right now. Still, I dream about it, almost constantly. I don't know really what to do to stop it. I've prayed, probably not enough.

My prayer is, like this girl, for God to free me of my idolatry, to help me focus on Him and things that are true, honorable, lovely, just, pure, commendable, excellent, worthy of prasie as Philippians 4 says. A concept I learned from another friend's blog is to pray for God to make me into the woman He wants me to be, as much like Christ as I can be -- NOT into the perfect woman for the perfect man, or a good wife, or even a good mother. But just asking God to make me into His image. Period. Without the idea of my life being spent with someone else. Because let's be honest, no one I know right now is someone I could spend the rest of my life with. It's not wrong to pray for a husband, or pray for God to prepare me for the right man, or even for God to bring that into my life. But it definitely is wrong when I want that so much that I focus on that instead of on God and becoming more like Christ.

I'm not sure that writing all this out has helped, but maybe it will take the load off my mind? Doubt it, but we'll see. At least if you care to pray for me, you know how. Maybe you can relate, and maybe you have some advice to offer. I'm not sure why I shared all this, but it's what's on my heart.

In church today, being the start of a new year, the pastor taught on a lifestyle of worship. (Because my church is all technologically fancy, you can watch it here if you like.) The point that hit home to me was that worship is offered as a sacrifice to God.

"I appeal to you therefore, brothers, 

by the mercies of God, 

to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, 

holy and acceptable to God, 

which is your spiritual worship." - Romans 12:1

I memorized these verses in 5th grade and probably at leat 10 times since then for school. As a 10 year old, what am I supposed to understand (especially in the KJV) about "I beseech you therefore".... you lost me at beseech! Anyway, the word "present" in the context means once and for all, like a marriage vow. You don't get married to the same person every year. Neither are we supposed to just on January 1 of every year say "yes, God, I'll worship you this year. I'll be a sacrifice for maybe a couple weeks, til this resolution wears off." Once and for all, give God your entire, entire, your whole, entire, life. I love that my pastor gives us Biblical examples to help me understand this sacrifice thing. I mean, I don't really go around killing lambs and bringing them to church every Sunday. But in the Old Testament, offerings were presented but it didn't count just when you brought it. It counted as a sacrifice when you took your hands off. In order for my life to be entirely committed to Christ, I must take my hands off, trust God, and let go. That's really hard for me to grasp since my life is not literally in the palm of my hand. But it's not hard to see that I'm holding onto parts of my life, because I can handle it (supposedly). 

God's teaching me that I have got to let go of this idolatry, of this idea of the perfect man, the perfect relationship, and a perfect family. I'm sure there are other areas of my life that are not totally pleasing to God, but those are easier for me to fix. This is the biggest thing for me to just erase. It is so ingrained in my head and it's a schema I can't change. To my advantage, I don't have to rely on myself to be able to change this. He is powerful, he gives me victory, he calms my fears. All I need to do is trust. I need to repent, ask for healing and victory. The mercy of God covers a multitude of sins.