Today I am thankful that God doesn't just leave us alone. God disciplines his children. And it's not a slap on the wrist or sitting in time out. It's like he just takes your heart and squeezes it til you cry "mercy." I don't mean to make my God sound harmful, but discipline is ultimately good. It's for His glory and to make his children more like Himself. I don't know if you have those friends who will really tell you when you're wrong or call you out when you're not doing your best, but God has put a couple of those people in my life. And they're not friends who are college students that I hang out with all the time. But I am beyond grateful for these people because they have helped me grow spiritually. I'm pretty convinced after today that God uses people to discipline his children also. When we're kids, it's our parents. But when we're adults, he can use a number of things to figuratively punch us in the face. Today, it was harsh words from someone. All day I've been on the verge of tears and will probably cry before I finish this post, again.
What I've learned today:- I am weak.- Weakness isn't bad. "When I'm weak, then am I strong" said Paul. God's strength is made perfect in my weakness (something I don't understand).
- Discipline sucks.
- Discipline is good for you.
- A good friend will still hold you like a parents holds that child throwing a fit, kicking and screaming for mom to put him down. A friend will give you the tough stuff, then hold you til you calm down and can act right.
- I'm naked in front of God. He exposes everything in me.
- I am invited to come to the throne of grace with boldness.
- There, there is mercy and grace to help in time of need.Basically, I need him desperately...
For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account... Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:12-13, 16)
Tonight I'm praying. Not exclusively. Actually it's kinda the last thing I'm doing. But I'm praying. Because I don't want to talk to anyone but someone who understands me. And only my Creator can.
I'm praying for someone else who can understand me. I'm not praying for a husband who's pure or godly or strong or educated or emotionally stable or popular or passionate. Not tonight. I'm praying for a man who can just understand me. Which... is probably more than all of those things put together.
Sometimes, the week just piles up on you. Even after you skip school and eat a bunch of chocolate, it's just not enough to soothe my soul. I love my job. I love my children more than I ever imagined I would love a little person. But they don't give you any alone time. They want you there constantly. They always have a question, always have something to show off, and need a bandaid or a hug. And I love that about them. I love that they need me. But I need me time. And after a while, I just have to get away. From my little loves, from my friends, from my family, from my home... and just be alone.
So... what happens when I'm married and have kids? When I have a defeating week, I can't just run out on them. I can't just leave the house without my phone and not worry then. And so I'm praying for a husband who understands me. Who knows how to detect that I'm tired and hormonal and broken. Who knows what I need when all those words describe me, and who doesn't feel abandoned because I need a minute alone. The more I think about all that I want, the more I realize I should really be praying for him because he's gunna need the Lord's help to be all this for me. And I know he's not perfect, but I'm praying.
The first time I heard this song, I watched the acoustic video of them singing it and my heart swelled up. That video is no longer available (sad day), but I found this one about "behind the song" and it may even fit better with this post.
Even though I loved the voices and melody, the words of this song made me a little critical. I'm not really into songs about God that could be sung to your boyfriend as well. But the more I hear this and really meditate on it, the less I am critical.
I'm so thankful that even though I'm an emotional roller coaster some weeks, and one day I'm your friend and the next I'm not, God's not like that. He's always the same. He remains and his love is the same even when I'm 2-faced.
"I can't get over you" isn't about a bad break-up. It's about how overwhelming the Lord's love is, especially when we resist it. His love has covered me.
"I can't get over the way your love stays the same O Lord. I can't get over the way your love stays the same. Even through the good and the bad times, you stay the same. So my song will remain.
Hold me just a little bit closer, I don't wanna lose this moment. Your love has covered me and now I can't get over you."
"This moment" isn't embracing someone for those last 5 minutes before curfew. And a relationship with God shouldn't be based on emotions, but it is emotional. We are emotional. So there are moments when you just stop and see God. Tonight I just left my phone behind and drove. Into nature, into the sunset and open fields. I definitely want to live out in the country and not in a neighborhood some day. I was admiring the fields and horses and felt like I was in Ireland or Scotland with all the green around me and hills in the distance. But I eventually just had to stop. In the middle of the highway, I just stopped my car and sat down to watch the sun go down, to think about how beautiful the Lord is, and that was one of those moments when I just couldn't get over Him. I wanted to be held even closer. And the good thing is, I never have to say "goodnight" to God. He'll hold me as long as I hold onto Him and still doesn't let go when I run away. So when I listened to this song on my way home and heard "I don't wanna lose this moment," I understood it in a new way. God promises that when we pursue a relationship with Him, we'll find him. When I draw close to God, he'll come close to me.
Going back to the husband thing, with a God like that, obviously no man can compare. But I'm praying for a man that can imitate that love for me that my Father has and that God will (in time) reveal to this man how to deal with me (because it'll likely take a revelation from God for someone to understand all this complicated mess).
So... no matter how many annoying, stressful, insignificant yet urgent things are going on around me, my song should remain. I need to still praise Him.
It is so cool to see God answering prayers in different ways. I've had prayers that it seems like there's no answer or that it's "no," but other answers to prayer are starting to be unveiled. I've always "known" that God answers prayer in His timing, but I'm starting to see how annoying that is for a selfish impatient daughter. In little ways, God answers me every day. When I feel so tired and unmotivated to do anything because my school is stupid and the people at my school are less than smart and I'd just rather be doing anything else... God gives me the encouragement and motivation I need. It seems like every Tuesday sucks for me until the last part of my day... so I thought last night "I need to write a letter to myself to read every Tuesday that will give me a little hope."
Dear me,
Let's face it. Tuesdays suck. It's not Monday, but it's not Friday. Even Mondays are better! You get pretty much no time to yourself. Your teachers are just annoyingly chipper and critical of everything you actually like. Chapel usually is overrated. You'll just eat lunch with the same people again and then try not to fall asleep in class....again. Then you'll go to work and your kids will decide to be extraordinarily inquisitive just because they can tell you have a headache from your lack of caffeine. Just be extra sweet to them. Because even if you're "extra sweet" today... it'll just be your normal patience level on a regular day that doesn't suck this bad. That one girl that's always super loud (what is she deaf in one ear or something?), she's gonna poke you over and over to get your attention, so just give her a hug instead of yelling at her to stop being a pest. Smile at all the parents, because hey! They're taking their kid with them! What more could you ask for? Okay... only a few more hours. I know you've been contemplating all day whether or not you really want to go to church tonight. You do. Just go. You never walk away thinking "dang it. why did I go? I could be asleep right now." And every time you skip? There's always those people who are like "You missed out last night." And you just regret it. So go. You get to sing songs that actually mean something, talk to people who have the same struggles you do, listen to music that is actually well done and it won't be those people from chapel that you're thinking "ugh...you again? just stop singing." - it's actually people who are good at what they do. You get to hear from someone about the best thing ever to talk about - your precious Savior who is always faithful and never runs out on you. Have you ever NOT learned something from whoever is preaching on a Tuesday night? Um... nope. So be excited! go! And be happy about it dang it! Then just go home and go to sleep.
You're welcome,
me.
Welcome to a little bit of my thoughts to myself....
