Idols versus the Redeemer

Journaling is an awesome thing. When I don't do it, I can't remember anything and I feel unfaithful. Sometimes though, when I do journal, I feel like I do it just to say that I did it. What really needs to happen is for the journaling to be an overflow of what's in my heart rather than using writing to stir up something in my heart.

Last week I didn't journal a single day. I opened my notebook on Sunday at church and the last thing I had written was notes from a week earlier. I started to feel like the journal I was writing, while implementing Bible verses, was really just all about me.

I watched Reba the other day and heard something like this:
In the world there are lots of planets orbiting around lots of suns. There are lots of suns orbiting inside lots of galaxies, and lots of galaxies orbiting in the grand realm of "space." They all orbit around something. And that center of the universe... is not YOU!

I thought it was funny, but that's what God's telling me today.

Yesterday through Ruthie Dean's blog, I came to read Ezekiel 16 and the Lord showed me that my unfaithfulness is disgusting. He painted a picture of his incarnate Love who remains faithful to a forever covenant even in the face of my idolatrous heart.

Today I read Isaiah 43-44. Repeatedly God says that His glory is His purpose (as well as mine). He didn't save me to make me look good. He redeemed me, called me, created me, chose me, forgives me "for [Him]self that they might declare [His] praise" (43:21). There is no god but the God. There's God and there's idols. Who will you choose to serve?

Friends and Enemies

I ran today... I don't run. I don't like running. Being out of breath and feeling my heart go way too fast is just not my idea of fun. I wish it was! I wish I liked running... but I don't. But I feel better now and maybe I'll do it again.

Something God is teaching me lately is how important it is to have godly friends who go through life with you. With friends who confess that they have the same struggles I do, life is easier. When close friends share what God is teaching them, it encourages me to get in the word and see what God is teaching them and find something that God leads me to read and then God teaches me too.

In the last couple days I've been meditating on 2 main themes... 1 - how to treat unbelievers (believers too) 2 - how powerful words are.

My intent for this blog is for my own looking back on and reflecting at what God has done, so I won't make it long.

1- How to treat unbelievers

Romans 12:14-21
*Bless them and don't harm them.
*Be there for them in happy times and hard times.
*Get along - display harmony, complement each other's weaknesses and strengths
*Don't be prideful, but humble.
*Never be wise in your own sight.
*Give thought to do what is honorable - THINK!
*Live at peace
*Don't get even.
*Serve your enemies.

These things are not natural... but the verse I'm memorizing this week in the very next chapter, Romans 13:14 says we're not supposed to do only things that feel natural. "But put on the Lord Jesus Christ and make no provision for the flesh to gratify its desires."

2- How powerful words are

Proverbs 16:24
Proverbs 17:27-28
Proverbs 18:2
Proverbs 18:21

I also learned that James is the "Proverbs of the New Testament"

James has so many wonderful truths and bits of wisdom that it would take a lot of space to share them all.

James 5:16
Therefore confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. They prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

Thinking God's Thoughts

"Prayer is thinking God's thoughts after Him - thoughts that will always be heard and answered." (Thabiti)


The last chapter of Thabiti's book (What Is A Healthy Church Member?) calls a healthy church member a prayer warrior. It discusses what prayer is and what to pray for, etc... Prayer is hard. Some people will just throw out a cry for help "Pray for me!" when they didn't study or when they're on a fast ride at 6 flags (that's me). People who haven't necessarily put their faith in Christ pray when life gets hard.

I really liked the idea that prayer is thinking God's thoughts after him. God is sovereign, in control of all, and knows what we will pray about before we even think about it. And if we pray in the Spirit as we should, it's really God enabling us to pray to himself (which is awesome). But... if God knows everything, why pray?

God doesn't need your prayers to help him decide what He's gunna do in your life. However, we need God and prayer shows our dependence on God. Prayer isn't an avenue to make God change his mind or to help him make decisions. It is a privilege for God's children to have access to talk to our Father anytime!

"Christianity isn't a solo sport and prayer is not a trip through the Burger King drive-thru, where we shout into an inanimate receiver, wait and few moments, and then receive the bag of goodies we ordered to 'have it our way.'"

I think it's cool to find prayers in the Bible, particularly David's Psalms or Paul's letters. God tells us what to pray for! It's a different perspective to think of God being omniscient and instead of just knowing everything and letting us figure it out, he decided to give us an opportunity to talk to him. It's interesting that he knows what he's going to do, but he still tells us to talk to him about it. Then he answers! We can find the request and the answers in Scripture.

God knows what's going to happen, tells us to pray, tells us what to pray for, how to pray, and answers our prayers. It's all about Him really. Prayer changes us and our relationship to God.

I'm thankful God hasn't left us lost without any direction in His word or any comfort through prayer. He didn't leave us to figure out life on our own, but tells us to talk to him constantly about everything and everyone. It's comforting that He does know everything and when we're ready, He'll reveal himself.

"Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving." Colossians 4:2

Thabiti's book (I just like the name Thabiti.)

Well, I'm here! I'm not gunna ignore the fact that I haven't posted in 2 months; I'm just not going to talk about it. A few things have changed in my life in the past 2 months - some disappointing, but others proof of God's grace (undeserved favor) on me. Relationships have changed... some are leaving and some are beginning to grow. Life is exciting, really. It's always interesting how things turn out. I've had some great expectations for what I thought my summer would look like. However, that's not how it's gunna be, and I'm very glad. I think this is the first post I've made since I got a Mac! That's cool...

I've partially put off writing because it HAS been so long and I'm just not even sure what to say. But I've got to start some time, so here we go. One of the sorta big things that has happened between my last post and now is that I'm officially a member of my church, Brainerd Baptist. They have a "Membership Matters" class for people who are interested in becoming a member, or just learning more about our church. Parts of the class are boring because it's basic knowledge - facts that are crucial to the foundation of church membership, but just stuff that I've known since I've grown up in churches. Other parts of it were interesting, but my favorite part was all the new, free stuff I got (consumer Christian, I know). They gave me four new books, 3 that I didn't have before.

The one my college pastor suggested I read first is What Is A Healthy Church Member? by Thabiti Anyabwile (yeah I can't say it either). It gives 10 marks of a healthy church member, and if I had thought about this before finishing chapter 8, I would've written a post on every chapter. But... I'm too anxious to read other books this summer to go back and read it again just to blog about it. Mark 7 (of a healthy church member) says that a healthy church member seeks discipline. Since school has been out and my work schedule isn't consistent right now, it's so much harder for me to designate a time for reading the Bible. I can't blame my schedule though. The only thing I can blame is my own lack of discipline, apathetic attitude, and forgotten faith that the Word can speak truth into my life and that it is how God speaks to me personally.

Thabiti's book helped me to examine myself by asking these questions:

• As we read the Bible, are we reading for information only or with faith that God actually speaks through his Word?
• Is our first reaction to the Scripture "how does this make me feel?" or "do I accept this as true?" Do we allow our feelings to determine what's true, or do we allow the Scriptures to determine our feelings?

We should receive the Word "with a friendly and submissive heart." "Specifically, we accept the fact that the Bible is true, that it's the only sufficient authority for shaping our lives, and that it must govern how we feel and think."

This helped me to realize that the reason I just haven't been excited about being in the Word everyday is even though I know the Bible is true and God's avenue of communication for us, I "forgot." I wasn't applying the truth to my heart and applying it to my life. If I had been truly believing that God will speak and that I'm doing more than gleaning information, I would have found a desire for reading it. "The Bible was not written to satisfy your curiousity; it was written to transform your life" (not sure who said that, but I remember it).

When a believer is seeking discipline (mark 7), he/she will be a growing disciple (mark 8).

I know I'm not the only Christian whose had those months of no growth. It's so easy in a Christian environment with Bible classes and chapels to rely on that for my spiritual feeding. But, that's not ultimately satisfying because that's not how God designed for us to be nourished. What I learned from this chapter is that I should always be striving for maturity. Here are some quotes and main points from chapter 8 in Thabiti's book:

• "We're far too vulnerable to settling for being thought of as mature rather than actually being mature."

• We get stuck in a performance trap that hinders growth. - So many things in American culture are measured by performance (sports stats, grammy awards, etc...) and we carry that mindset over to our relationship with the Lord. If we have enough quiet times, read enough books, and listen to enough sermons, then we're spiritually healthy, right? No - This isn't growth.

• Growth is also not relative to how the other Christians around you are doing. You're not a strong Christian just because you are surrounded by weaker ones. God won't compare us to others when he judges our lives. 

• "Self-effort is not the source of true spiritual growth." This was probably the root of my lack of discipline. I so often revert back to my own strength to grow spiritually instead of asking the Spirit to mature me. "Holy Scripture tells us that our progress in discipleship and spiritual maturity depends on the grace and will of God, not on our own self-effort and strength."

I might write a post on the next 2 chapters if I feel like it. But God has used this book to convict me, and I definitely recommend it. It's simple enough for the normal person to understand but profound enough to challenge you. And the best part was... it was free. :) 

Confidence to find grace

Today I am thankful that God doesn't just leave us alone. God disciplines his children. And it's not a slap on the wrist or sitting in time out. It's like he just takes your heart and squeezes it til you cry "mercy." I don't mean to make my God sound harmful, but discipline is ultimately good. It's for His glory and to make his children more like Himself. I don't know if you have those friends who will really tell you when you're wrong or call you out when you're not doing your best, but God has put a couple of those people in my life. And they're not friends who are college students that I hang out with all the time. But I am beyond grateful for these people because they have helped me grow spiritually. I'm pretty convinced after today that God uses people to discipline his children also. When we're kids, it's our parents. But when we're adults, he can use a number of things to figuratively punch us in the face. Today, it was harsh words from someone. All day I've been on the verge of tears and will probably cry before I finish this post, again. 

What I've learned today:- I am weak.- Weakness isn't bad. "When I'm weak, then am I strong" said Paul. God's strength is made perfect in my weakness (something I don't understand).

- Discipline sucks.

- Discipline is good for you.

- A good friend will still hold you like a parents holds that child throwing a fit, kicking and screaming for mom to put him down. A friend will give you the tough stuff, then hold you til you calm down and can act right.

- I'm naked in front of God. He exposes everything in me.

- I am invited to come to the throne of grace with boldness.

- There, there is mercy and grace to help in time of need.Basically, I need him desperately...

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account... Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:12-13, 16)

I Can't Get Over You

Tonight I'm praying. Not exclusively. Actually it's kinda the last thing I'm doing. But I'm praying. Because I don't want to talk to anyone but someone who understands me. And only my Creator can.

I'm praying for someone else who can understand me. I'm not praying for a husband who's pure or godly or strong or educated or emotionally stable or popular or passionate. Not tonight. I'm praying for a man who can just understand me. Which... is probably more than all of those things put together.

Sometimes, the week just piles up on you. Even after you skip school and eat a bunch of chocolate, it's just not enough to soothe my soul. I love my job. I love my children more than I ever imagined I would love a little person. But they don't give you any alone time. They want you there constantly. They always have a question, always have something to show off, and need a bandaid or a hug. And I love that about them. I love that they need me. But I need me time. And after a while, I just have to get away. From my little loves, from my friends, from my family, from my home... and just be alone.

So... what happens when I'm married and have kids? When I have a defeating week, I can't just run out on them. I can't just leave the house without my phone and not worry then. And so I'm praying for a husband who understands me. Who knows how to detect that I'm tired and hormonal and broken. Who knows what I need when all those words describe me, and who doesn't feel abandoned because I need a minute alone. The more I think about all that I want, the more I realize I should really be praying for him because he's gunna need the Lord's help to be all this for me. And I know he's not perfect, but I'm praying.

The first time I heard this song, I watched the acoustic video of them singing it and my heart swelled up. That video is no longer available (sad day), but I found this one about "behind the song" and it may even fit better with this post. 

Even though I loved the voices and melody, the words of this song made me a little critical. I'm not really into songs about God that could be sung to your boyfriend as well. But the more I hear this and really meditate on it, the less I am critical. 

I'm so thankful that even though I'm an emotional roller coaster some weeks, and one day I'm your friend and the next I'm not, God's not like that. He's always the same. He remains and his love is the same even when I'm 2-faced. 

"I can't get over you" isn't about a bad break-up. It's about how overwhelming the Lord's love is, especially when we resist it. His love has covered me. 

"I can't get over the way your love stays the same O Lord. I can't get over the way your love stays the same. Even through the good and the bad times, you stay the same. So my song will remain.

Hold me just a little bit closer, I don't wanna lose this moment. Your love has covered me and now I can't get over you."

"This moment" isn't embracing someone for those last 5 minutes before curfew. And a relationship with God shouldn't be based on emotions, but it is emotional. We are emotional. So there are moments when you just stop and see God. Tonight I just left my phone behind and drove. Into nature, into the sunset and open fields. I definitely want to live out in the country and not in a neighborhood some day. I was admiring the fields and horses and felt like I was in Ireland or Scotland with all the green around me and hills in the distance. But I eventually just had to stop. In the middle of the highway, I just stopped my car and sat down to watch the sun go down, to think about how beautiful the Lord is, and that was one of those moments when I just couldn't get over Him. I wanted to be held even closer. And the good thing is, I never have to say "goodnight" to God. He'll hold me as long as I hold onto Him and still doesn't let go when I run away. So when I listened to this song on my way home and heard "I don't wanna lose this moment," I understood it in a new way. God promises that when we pursue a relationship with Him, we'll find him. When I draw close to God, he'll come close to me. 

Going back to the husband thing, with a God like that, obviously no man can compare. But I'm praying for a man that can imitate that love for me that my Father has and that God will (in time) reveal to this man how to deal with me (because it'll likely take a revelation from God for someone to understand all this complicated mess). 

So... no matter how many annoying, stressful, insignificant yet urgent things are going on around me, my song should remain. I need to still praise Him.

"I will sing to the Lord as long as I live;

I will sing praise to my God while I have being.

May my meditation be pleasing to him,

for I rejoice in the Lord."

Psalm 104:33-34

a letter to me...

It is so cool to see God answering prayers in different ways. I've had prayers that it seems like there's no answer or that it's "no," but other answers to prayer are starting to be unveiled. I've always "known" that God answers prayer in His timing, but I'm starting to see how annoying that is for a selfish impatient daughter. In little ways, God answers me every day. When I feel so tired and unmotivated to do anything because my school is stupid and the people at my school are less than smart and I'd just rather be doing anything else... God gives me the encouragement and motivation I need. It seems like every Tuesday sucks for me until the last part of my day... so I thought last night "I need to write a letter to myself to read every Tuesday that will give me a little hope."

Dear me,
Let's face it. Tuesdays suck. It's not Monday, but it's not Friday. Even Mondays are better! You get pretty much no time to yourself. Your teachers are just annoyingly chipper and critical of everything you actually like. Chapel usually is overrated. You'll just eat lunch with the same people again and then try not to fall asleep in class....again. Then you'll go to work and your kids will decide to be extraordinarily inquisitive just because they can tell you have a headache from your lack of caffeine. Just be extra sweet to them. Because even if you're "extra sweet" today... it'll just be your normal patience level on a regular day that doesn't suck this bad. That one girl that's always super loud (what is she deaf in one ear or something?), she's gonna poke you over and over to get your attention, so just give her a hug instead of yelling at her to stop being a pest. Smile at all the parents, because hey! They're taking their kid with them! What more could you ask for? Okay... only a few more hours. I know you've been contemplating all day whether or not you really want to go to church tonight. You do. Just go. You never walk away thinking "dang it. why did I go? I could be asleep right now." And every time you skip? There's always those people who are like "You missed out last night." And you just regret it. So go. You get to sing songs that actually mean something, talk to people who have the same struggles you do, listen to music that is actually well done and it won't be those people from chapel that you're thinking "ugh...you again? just stop singing." - it's actually people who are good at what they do. You get to hear from someone about the best thing ever to talk about - your precious Savior who is always faithful and never runs out on you. Have you ever NOT learned something from whoever is preaching on a Tuesday night? Um... nope. So be excited! go! And be happy about it dang it! Then just go home and go to sleep.
You're welcome,
me.

Welcome to a little bit of my thoughts to myself....

Don't worry, be happy.

This post is not my own words and that's the main reason I'm so urgent in posting it. I want to remember these words and I know by typing them and proofreading and rereading them that I will remember better. And I want to share... so I'll start with Jesus' words...


“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

(Matthew 6:25-34 ESV)

James Bryan Smith wrote one of the books for my "psychology of caring for your soul" class called The Good and Beautiful Life. I do intend on keeping this one instead of selling it on amazon or to McKay's. It's definitely worth a close read. He exposes the false narratives many people live by and then gives Jesus' narratives that stand up against ours. At the end of each chapter is "soul training" and for worry, the soul training is to pray. (Forgive me for typos but I'll try to direct quote.)

"In this chapter is a verse in which Paul makes a direct connection between prayer and worry:

Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)

Once we have done all we can do in a given situation, we simply turn the matter over to God and thus prevent worry from taking over. For example, C. S. Lewis once said that a person who has weeds in his or her garden should not pray about the weeds but pull them up. But when we face situations we cannot change by direct effort, such as a loved one who is ill or a financial problem that extends beyond our resources, then we turn the matter over to God. Here are some practical guidelines to help you turn your cares into prayers this week:

• Each morning set aside ten to fifteen minutes.
• Think about all of the things you might be anxious about.
• Write them down in your journal or a notebook.
• Ask what you can do to remedy each of these situations.
• Make a note to yourself to do the things you can do.
• Turn everything else over to God. 
• Write your request to God, and be specific.

Be very specific in your prayers. Why? Most of our prayers are so vague that we would not even know if God had answered them. God can handle your specificity. If God has a better way of answering your prayers or dealing with your problems, you can be sure he will. Let him know what you need and desire. Cast your cares on God. Then wait and see what God does. 

Prayer helps us deal with our worries in several ways. First, we realize that the provision of the kingdom of God is available to us in every circumstance, large or small. Second, we see things from God's perspective, which puts our problems and concerns in a new light. I find that the practice of writing my prayers forces me to think about my concerns: are they driven by false narrative or centered on the advancement of the kingdom?

This is why I keep a prayer journal. I turn my cares into prayers on a regular basis, and I colabor with God in composing them. This helps my prayer life become a little less selfish. It is hard to write 'God, give me huge amount of money,' or 'God, can you make my enemies suffer.' In the middle of these sentences I would have to stop and laugh at myself. I may actually hope for those things, but they are not legitimate concerns or needs, and they are certainly not driven by seeking the kingdom first. 

Prayer is a totally gratuitous gift. God is not obligated to give us this privilege. God gives us this gift to help us discover how loving and caring he is, and to help us grow and mature, which is evidenced by what we ask for. The deeper my heart is in the kingdom of God, the more my prayer life is focused on the well-being of others. This doesn't mean we shouldn't pray for our own needs, but even prayers for our own well-being will reflect the values of the kingdom more than the values of this world.

May you experience the present strength and power of God as you pray, and may your worries diminish with each prayer." 

I'm not sure what I can add to that, but the part in purple is my absolute favorite. Now go buy the book.

spiritual goals

I'm not entirely sure that anyone really follows this blog anymore, but this is kind of a check up to keep myself accountable I guess. No one from my first blog about spiritual goals has really checked on me. My D group has, because that's what they're for, but in cyber world I guess there really is no accountability. But, allow me. I'll just tell you how I'm doing, even though you didn't ask. ;)

1. memorize Scripture and review often - I am still trying to memorize and have done my best made attempts at staying on schedule. At the end of January we started memorizing Psalm 103 and by the middle of March were supposed to have all 22 consecutive verses memorized. Toward the end of Psalm 103 (about verse 15) I started to get confused, but I still practiced some and made my notecards. Hopefully with some shorter verses now I can get back on track. I hate being behind.

2. Finish study of Colossians - I didn't do this because it was more like homework. I started doing the E100 Plan and that has been working better for me. It is not as in depth as the study of Colossians I started, but it was something I was able to keep up with and not have a problem if I missed a couple days in between. I have been using the HEAR method with these passages and have been learning from the Old Testament. As you can see, I didn't start at the beginning because I was reading Proverbs in January and trying to do my Colossians study. So I started on day 16 and am up to day 50 now... Starting on the New Testament this week. When I finish, maybe I'll start back in Genesis.

3. Finish study of Holy Spirit - still might do this this summer, but not until school's out.

4. Apply principles from message in church - make notecards with application points, sticky notes - I haven't made note cards or sticky notes, but I have occasionally read back over sermon notes and studied further into them. I hear about 5 sermons (loosely defined) a week between Sunday school, Sunday church, Tuesday chapel, Tuesday church, and Thursday chapel. So sometimes I can't really remember what so and so preached on last week. I could do better on this one.

5. Be more bold with my faith and sharing the gospel. - This one isn't so great... I can talk to you about what God's doing in my life, but I haven't shared the gospel. I think a big reason for this is that I'm usually in "Christian" places - school, church, BX, work (a Christian school), but that still is no excuse.

6. Pray more intimately with God. - This is one that is up and down for me. Some weeks I hardly pray at all, or I feel like I hardly pray at all because I haven't journaled or written my prayer down. So the next week I resolve to write a prayer every day and that goes alright for a week. Then I forget again the next week. I think my prayer life has improved but it is not nearly what it should be. Prayer shows my dependence on God and I can tell a huge correlation in how my life goes with how dependent upon the Lord I am.

7. Love God with more than my mind. - I'm not really sure how to measure this or how to even look for it in my life, but under the "specific - how? when?" part of my goals, I wrote "Ask God for a soft heart and teachable spirit - sensitive to the Holy Spirit." For a while I hardened my heart to anything religious because I was just so sick of it Especially when I am in school and disagree with so many of the narratives behind some statements made in chapel services, it's a constant struggle for me to maintain a balance between being extremely critical of everything one says and being that person that overlooks major doctrinal flaws and just AMEN!s when he talks about Jesus' love. I want a happy medium of being able to discern what's true and what's not but still opening my heart to God, knowing that He can speak to me, even by using someone who says something I don't completely agree with. So I guess in summary, this one is a work in progress. To those people I can trust to teach truth, I seem to have a higher sensitivity to the Lord's working in my heart.

I also planned to review my goals every 2 weeks... I haven't exactly done that because I knew I was pretty much on track as far as reading my Bible and praying and memorizing... although I was slacking some.

So... if you care to, pray for me in these areas, encourage me, and it's okay to ask me how I'm doing on something specific. I won't be mad at you and tell you to mind your own business if you ask me how my prayer life is or if I've shared the gospel lately... I might even like you better if you do ask. (Not that your life goal is for me to like you better... but ya know).

words I'll never say

This curser is blinking at me waiting for me to say something, but I don't really want to say what's on my mind. There are some things I think about often and in my mind have conversations with the people I'll never actually tell my thoughts to. But why? I guess...because it's not always socially acceptable to say what I'm thinking. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it to even go there. What usually happens when I speak my mind? Someone takes it as argumentative instead of discussionally (is that a word?) and they get offended instead of really talking with me and returning my honesty so we can work out our differences. Sometimes I don't say what I'm thinking because I'm just not ready to deal with whatever issue has come up. Maybe I'm too busy to give it enough attention, or maybe I just don't have the energy to carry on a mature conversation.

I believe sometimes people just can't restore the relationship they used to have. The best friend from when you were 6 years old... the ex boyfriend from when you were 16 ... the best friend you saw every day at school but now that you've graduated you never see anymore and suddenly, you're not as close anymore... the coworker that tears down a few walls to get to know you outside of work, then you quit and don't make an effort to see each other. I have all of these and more. And there are days when I truly wish I could have what I had again. I want to have an innocent friendship where we did nothing all day and argued about dumb stuff but didn't have any disagreements that really kept us from being friends. I miss having a guy for a best friend who I was completely vulnerable with, almost an escape from the rest of my life. I miss talking during the downtime in high school about every day stuff that isn't really significant, but that makes people grow closer. I miss venting to a coworker who's equally as angry at stupid people.

But I don't.
I have better friends now who can have real and meaningful conversations instead of childish ones. I'm happier without a boyfriend than I was at 16 with who I thought was the love of my life. I enjoy talking to new people who don't know every detail of my life, and learning about new people. I certainly don't miss venting about work because my job is pretty much awesome now.

So... the words I'll never say...

It truly breaks my heart to see the direction your life has gone. I wish I could say it's amazing to see how far we've grown spiritually since we were baptized together, but it's quite the opposite. There's no sign whatsoever of Christ in your life. You just decide to ask for prayer when something sucks in your life. You just claim Jesus when you have convictions about treating gay people with respect, without really knowing what the Bible says about it. But your life is a mess now, and the way you're living, it's not getting any better. So I'll pray, but talking to you is pointless at this point.

I really don't understand why we can't have at least an aquaintance relationship. Just because so many emotions happened back then doesn't mean we can't forgive and at least say hi when we pass each other. I'm not really sure why I get the idea that you hate me and don't want to speak to me. I don't really have a desire to be close friends with you, but it would be nice to be able to catch up on the last few years of our lives and see how we've changed. But maybe you haven't.

I struggle to find a balance between treasuring long friendships, and branching out to make new ones.

My face, especially when I was in my teens, shows my heart. When I think you're stupid, it shows on my face. When I am excited, obviously it shows. When I am just doing what I'm told because I have to, my resentment shows. When I don't really want to be talking to you, the bitterness shows on my face. So... I need to learn to manage my face. I love that phrase because it's funny but so ... true. To manage my face is nearly impossible. God designed me with an honesty that I can't really deny no matter how I try to smile when I'm angry. So... my task then is not to manage my face so much as to manage my heart. My thoughts and feelings come through my actions and my body. So in order to change my body (facial expressions), I need to change my thoughts and feelings. I need to have a better attitude about things I don't want to do... which basically kicks my pride in the face and that just isn't fun. And the honesty issue as far as things I'll never say? Maybe I will say them. Maybe I will tell the person what I'm waiting for to make our relationship right. Maybe I will tell that person why I really don't want to be friends with them. Maybe I will confront the people who are too ignorant for my honesty to even accomplish anything.

But maybe not.

Everything I Need

You know those friends you have that you might go talk to when things are going well in your life and they encourage you and you both act like everything is peachy? Then... you know those friends that you can hang out with when things really are peachy but you can also come to them with your burdens and pain. I have plenty of friends that I can talk to about basic things, but when I really need to talk... I don't go to people. My best friends have been the ones who can tell when I'm not okay and ask the right questions to break me down til I just spill everything out. My best friends have told me when I'm not acting right and when I need to work on things. They don't just smile like everything's perfect all the time.

I'm glad I don't have a God that just exists to make me feel better. Yes, God  loves me and has tons of promises I can cling to... but the part I like least about God's love is his discipline. Like any good father, he doesn't let me get away with things that aren't pleasing to him. Often times it's hard for me to point out my own sin even when I think about it for a few minutes. I'm a pretty good person by people's standards... so to find my deepest sins I have to look beyond what people can see - into my heart. Some sins are evident by people's behavior/lifestyle and some are inward and not easily detectable.

God's definitely not finished with me yet but he's just starting to chisel away at me. I have issues with authority for a few different reasons, but those aren't important. Some authority is great because they understand me and I understand them. But in more than one of my jobs, dealing with my boss has been the hardest part of the job. I have an idea in my head of how I think a boss should run things and if that doesn't happen I tend to think I don't need to be submissive. God's put certain people in my life to show up my pride. ... Don't ask God to show you things you need to get rid of... he'll do it, and it hurts.

This song, Everything I Need, tells how God is much greater than me. He is strong when I'm not. He's comfort when I'm uncomfortable. When I NEED someone... He's there. He's not the friend who acts like everything is perfect. He's the friend who holds me when I need to cry, tells me when I'm wrong, and stands by me to make me into the right person. I don't even understand everything I need... but He does. And He fulfills that.

We're all searching

To forewarn you, this will be one of those blogs when I just speak my mind unapologetically. It's struck me around the time that I've turned 21 how different my life is from that of other people just like me.

We grew up in the same neighborhood, went to the same school, rode the same bus, spent our summers together. Although are lives are foundationally different, we were very much the same and we shared our differences even when we didn't understand them. Sometimes I feel that you're so shallow. I can't say I didn't expect for you to go a little crazy after leaving the most protective home I've ever seen. But you've been gone almost 5 years now and you haven't had enough yet. It wouldn't bother me as much if you didn't claim to be a Christian and ask for people to pray for you when things aren't well. I still remember being on the phone with you crying, not knowing how to tell you about Jesus because I didn't want to leave anything out. So I asked my dad to tell you and I truly believed you got saved and we were even baptized together! But now nothing in your life shows any sign of Jesus. You've made some stupid decisions and that's okay! But don't continue in your lifestyle of foolishness and claim to have a relationship with the same God I have. I'm no better than you whatsoever. This isn't about me... it's about an inconsistency that I just can't put up with anymore. If you want to live your life that way, fine. Do it. That's your choice, but don't bring my Lord into it and claim He's yours. If you're gunna claim Him, live it.

I don't know your story, but I've seen your life that you've put on display for everyone to see over the past year. I never really did like you because you're loud and I'm not. You talked about stuff I didn't care to hear about. But that was okay with me... the fact that I didn't like you. I mean, it's life. It happens. You can't like everyone. I guess you took it a little more personally and decided to hate me. Then we have this long talk about stupid guys and find out we don't really hate each other after all. It breaks my heart because you're a perfect example of what my generation is. You don't have a good relationship with your father so you search everywhere for that love, affirmation, worth of a man. So you go from one to the next. You do anything to make people like you. You love the same people they love, hate the same people they hate, and try to emulate everything. Life is hard and you always say you'll get through it with this guy... until you break up and it's this new guy... for the next 3 months. Can't you see that it doesn't satisfy? That it's not that you keep finding the wrong guys, it's that NO guy is enough to fulfill what you really need? There's not enough alcohol in any bar or drugs in all the world to give you what you need. But we're all searching for something.

I heard about that void inside each of us before I really understood what it was. Sometimes I'm ashamed of my testimony because it's not radical in the eyes of people. You know those people who were on the verge of suicide and overdosed and bla bla bla.. then Jesus saved them and their lives were totally changed. Mine's not like that and I'm so, so, so, so, SO thankful for that. I see a little more every day what God saved me FROM. He protected me by giving me decent parents. He shielded me from overexposure to sex and drugs by sending me to a Christian school. (Yes there's drugs at Christian schools... that's a different conversation.) Through many other people around me who were hurt, God kept me from hurting myself and pushing me farther into sin than I was. There's a lot of things I can say about myself that people would say "good for you! I'm so glad you're not like these other kids who screw up their lives with sex and alcohol and dead-end jobs." But it's not "good for me." If it was my choice, I very likely would be in the same positions as my "friends." The right response is "Praise God" ... for putting a blanket over me and keeping the wrong influences from getting too close. There aren't HUGE sins that God saved me out of like those with a powerful testimony. But God saved me from ever having to experience addictions like these.

You've probably heard of and seen the "cardboard testimonials" that are a very short version of who a person was before Christ and who he/she is now. If I had one of those, I'm not entirely sure what it would say. Probably something like "Christian school girl to true follower of Jesus." That might not make sense to you. But to me, it does. I've been in a Christian school for longer than I feel like counting right now and at a Christian school, you just say you're a Christian because everyone does. Because of this fad, I can't tell you exactly when I was saved. Yeah, I prayed when I was 7, but I don't think I truly understood salvation. I prayed when I was 14 and was so convicted by not reaching out to my unsaved neighbors. I remember saying "if I'm not saved, save me now." But again, that prayer isn't really what saves you. During high school my daily relationship with God wasn't really on fire. I did that retreat thing where everyone goes off to some remote area with no cell phone service and ends up crying because of the emotions they stir up. Then 2-3 weeks later, I couldn't tell ya what I learned or what change was made in my life. In college, I think due to the more lax environment, I've been able to find God for myself. I didn't seek him because it was my homework, but because God put a desire in me to really know Him. So the change in my life has been from the result of a boring, legalistic Christian school environment plagued by 2-faced-ness transformed into an exciting, challenging, daily journey to knowing God better so that I can obey him more and love him more.

It's interesting to learn about people who grew up in the same classrooms, same church pews, and same cafeteria as I did and see where they are now. It's only been 3 years since I graduated but even in 3 years, so much happens. People are hurting and crying out, searching for true joy...

My plan and God's plan.

Something that's been on my mind, as most college students can say, is what direction my life is going. Especially in the last couple months as I've been challenged by God and others to completely give my life to God, I've realized how set I am on my goals and the plan that I see for my life in the next 5-10 years.

I have a plan to graduate college (hopefully in a year ish) and then go to grad school to get a Ed.S. in school psychology. Then pursue a job in a public school doing what I spent 6+ years of my life preparing for.  Sounds logical to me and people seem to be pleased with my general plan for my life when they ask. Sure, if a husband happens to come my way somewhere in there, I'll take it!

Recently I've heard much about laying down my dreams for God's plan. I've heard a bit about missions since my church is very mission-ly minded. I've prayed about short-term missions without any clear answer. *Note: When I say I'm praying about it... that means I'm praying about when, where, and how... not whether or not I should go. That's a given.* So... giving up my dream that I've had since high school of being a counselor for adolescents... doesn't set peacefully within me. I don't see why I need to. If it's God's will, I think he'll reveal it to me, convict me, and change the desires of my heart as I seek him more, especially if I'm asking Him to do so. Maybe I have an unclear understanding of "laying your dreams down."

I believe God has a plan for me also.Today once again I am challenged to obey God. I can give you Bible, sunday-school answers about what it means to obey God, but for my life right now, as I think about the future, I'm praying about what that means. Right now, like I said, I don't think God is telling me to abandon my dreams. I think God gave me the dreams I have and that He has (very generously) provided many means to achieve them for His glory. Right now to abandon those dreams would be stupid. Drop out of school. Quit my job. For what?! What else would I do?? It doesn't make sense for God to tell me to abandon my dream without giving me a different one. If I knew clearly God wanted me to abandon my dream to pursue missions or to do a certain thing... I would be open to that. I'm not sure if I'm limiting God here or if I'm just being practical... Please offer your opinion, thoughts, advice, anything you have...


One blog I follow pretty consistently because it makes sense for me and is always relavent to my life is Ruthie's blog. This particular post "Six Common Misconceptions About God's Will" is on point. From what I read, Ruthie has devoted her life to obeying God and she has experiential advice on the topic.

Not that this song is relavent... but I like it. :) And the thought of a blog on God's Will led to this song in my mind.

Saturday

I feel like I start every post out this way... I have thought about what to say for days now and just wasn't quite content with any of my ideas. After reading one of my friend's blog I decided to write a blog about nothing important, deep, or profound in any way. It's Saturday, so I'll just write about Saturday.

Saturdays used to mean I would sleep in til 11. Now it means I sleep in until 8:30. Usually I have plenty of homework to do (since I don't do much during the week) and sometimes babysitting. But today I didn't really have either. My homework consists of reading (which isn't really work to me...). And I don't have to see any kids today! So today has just been lazy, but I'm not complaining. Today is exactly what I need for my well-being and in order to help maintain my happy attitude. :) A day to wake up slowly, make breakfast, talk to my dogs and no one else, go to the lake and just relax and be quiet.

I obviously didn't do my hair today either...

If I had starbucks within 5 minutes of my house... I would've gone there too...

It's also a day to do fun editing with cute pictures :) (these are my kids from yesterday... we went on an adventure -- I didn't know the destination either -- around the building and outside with random instructions such as skipping for 3 sidewalk blocks, then walking backward, the hopping... we're cool like that.)

Lamentations

Lamentations is not a book of the Bible you generally send new believers to. I had never read it until I was required to for my Old Testament Survey class and I remember liking it even from the first time reading it. I can't say I aspire to memorize it for all its encouraging content, but today it really reached into my soul.

This week for some reason has left me feeling defeated. I have my speculations as far as why this could be, but that's not what I'm here for talking about. I hate it when I am so busy I can't comfortably fit time for my devotions in. I don't like waking up early to do it because then I feel rushed to get ready to leave. I don't like staying up late and doing it because I just can't focus as well and don't learn as much. So on days when I literally have no "me time" I just get really burnt out and frustrated because I don't spend time in the Word and I just get dried out in a way...

Skepticism and cynacism are areas that I struggle with. My dad is a cynic and taught me to examine everything I'm taught and pick an argument with it. I guess this can be valuable but sometimes it's rather annoying! Especially when trying to talk about the arguments I have in my mind with people who are not naturally like this. They just don't understand why I have to make it complicated instead of just believing what is taught. In a Christian school we have chapel twice a week. For 12 years now I've been going to chapel almost every week of my life. It gets old! I get confused by people (new kids) who are so pumped about chapel. But I've tried recently to open my heart more to it and actually try to learn something. It still bothers me when a guy will get up there and preach on John 3:16 and talk to me like I'm not saved. Yes, I understand there are people in my school who are not saved. I'm just not sure that chapel is the place to try to evangelize them... maybe it is. Messages like that though ... I tune them out. Maybe it's wrong of me to do that, but if you're gunna tell me to open my Bible at least make me look at it and really look at it. TEACH!

Chapel today was like that and because of my already stressed out mind I was just over it and I felt bad because I knew my heart was not sensitive to what God was doing there and even what he could have been doing in me all morning. So finally in my 20 minutes of down time between school and work, I just tried to hear from God. I wrote out my frustration and explanations and prayed for God to penetrate my heart, to help me to show people more grace (because I'm not too good at that, particularly in moods like this).

I looked in my concordance in the back of Bible at the word "examine" since I seemed to be examining everything the entire day... The first reference (and the only one I got to...) was Lamentations 3:40. I started at the beginning of the chapter and stopped around verse 26 because I just had to deal with what was there. This resonated with me and my attitude at that moment...

"He has filled me with bitterness... he has made my teeth grind on gravel... my soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is... my endurance has perished and so has my hope from the Lord... my soul is bowed down within me."

When I am so critical, I'm not happy. I'm bitter and grit my teeth and just want to growl lol... I don't have peace inside, I'm not patient and I don't find joy by hoping in the Lord. I'm so glad the entire Bible isn't all happy joy stuff...
The chapter keeps going and completely changes gears. For 2 1/2 chapters the writer has been lamenting and then there's this ray of sunshine

"But I call this to mind and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will hope in him. The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD."

After reading this over and over and dwelling on it... my soul was so much lighter. My heart was more free and I could breathe more deeply. I'm so glad God brought me here before I went to work because I was able to have a wonderful day with my little people.

I just had to share because maybe you're feeling like I was and just can't seem to decide to be happy no matter how hard you try...

a little schizo...

It's been over a week since my last post and I could stand to wait another week probably. I can't really explain what's going on here. I have ALOT to say and share about what's been going on between me and God. But part of me thinks... this blog isn't just for talking about spiritual things. And I also feel like ... I have nothing to say. I don't need to say anything. I need to be quiet for once. So... I'm not really sure where this is going. I guess I can't help but talk about the things I love...

I'm thankful for friends. Jessica has been my friend since we were 9 years old. We haven't always loved each other but now that we're adults and more mature, all the ups and downs in the past 12 years have made our friendship all the more special. She moved away from Chattanooga last summer and of course that's hard. But I know there's a purpose for it and I hope that some day we can live near each other again.

I think this was around 9th grade? I've always loved it.

I'm pretty sure I've told mine and Lindi's life story in a previous blog, but I'm so thankful for her too. It is SOO necessary to have friends who share your belief system and who you can share with. Lindi and I are really different and sometimes I'm not real sure how we get along so well, but I am glad we do. I think we were certainly put together for many reasons. I love that I can be myself with her.

This song has been one of my favorites and I've been wanting to share it.. so I am. There's lots of things I want to share but never do... so here's some!

"For as the surest source of destruction to men is to obey themselves, so the only haven of safety is to have no other will, no other wisdom, than to follow the Lord wherever he leads..." - John Calvin

"The self-denial Jesus speaks of is always the surrender of a lesser, dying self for a greater, eternal one -- the person God intended when he created you. Confidence in this gives the occasion of 'greatly rejoicing, with joy unspeakable and full of glory' (1 Peter 1:8, PAR). Jesus does not deny us personal fulfillment but shows us the only true way to it. In him we 'find our life.'" - Dallas Willard

side note: I love my pandora 2011 Top Christian Hits station...

"Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today. ... The LORD will fight for you and you have only to be silent." Exodus 14:13-14

"observe and seek out all the commandments of the LORD and your God... know the God of your father and serve him with a whole heart and with a willing mind, for the LORD searches all hearts and understands every plan and thought... Be strong and courageous and do it. Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed, for the LORD God even my God is with you. He will not leave you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the..LORD is finished." 1Chronicles 28:8-9,20

"Ask God to give you a passionate prayer life." -Robby Gallaty

Do you ever feel like you do the same thing everyday? I sometimes HATE the fact that we are creatures of habit. I don't like that everyone always sits in the same spot in class. I don't like that people always order the same thing at the same restaurants. I don't like that they always park in the same place. I don't like that they always talk to the same people and don't branch out. Why should I talk to someone else? I'm talking to these people I've gone to school with for 10+ years and I'm okay with that ... that's the reasoning behind it whether it's conscious or not. Anyway... I hate being like that so I've tried to do some things that will get me out of that rut. May I challenge you to sit with someone you've never met? Introduce yourself to a stranger and listen to them instead of talking about yourself. Look people in the eye when you walk past them. Don't just say you'll pray for people. REALLY pray for them and encourage them every now and then by texting them or buying them coffee. Ask someone you work with to go eat with you... even if you don't think you could be friends with them. Don't let your life go by wishing you knew more people, wishing you knew more about the people around you. Invest in someone's life even if it's just a little bit. It's rewarding and fun to see what happens when you don't always do what's habitually expected.

Lindi and I are friends because we went out to eat after work ... not knowing anything about each other really. The best friendships are the ones you have to work to make them work. You get out of it what you put into it (sometimes).

I'm not okay, you're not okay

Self-esteem. Self-worth. Self-image.

Besides your gen psych class... what do those make you think of? Many things come to my mind.
I've posted things online before about how some people have no self-esteem and that's why they let people run over them and aren't respected as a woman or whoever else.
Just last week my friend wrote a blog about worth, saying we are all someone worth dying for (based on that song).
Self-image ties in somewhat but is really a different topic.

This is an area where I've struggled, not because I feel worthless or like I have no reason to live (like others have struggled) but I struggle with where we get this idea that we have self-esteem, that we're worthy of esteem, that we're worthy of anything. I would argue that no one person is worthy of being able to live today. I would also argue to a pregnant girl that her baby deserves to live. These can't be reconciled in my mind; I don't understand it. One of the books (clickhere) I'm reading for my psychology class (psychology of caring for your soul) deals with the revolution of character and the assigned chapter for this next week is called "A Magnificent Ruin." I don't know about anyone else, but I personally think it's kinda depressing! (true, but still depressing)

This is what the Bible says about people in general:


Psalm 14:2-3

The LORD looks down from heaven on the children of man, to see if there are any who understand, who seek after God. They have all turned aside; together they have become corrupt; there is none who does good, not even one.

Romans 3:10-18
 “None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one. Their throat is an open grave; they use their tongues to deceive. The venom of asps is under their lips. Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness. Their feet are swift to shed blood; in their paths are ruin and misery, and the way of peace they have not known. There is no fear of God before their eyes.”


(See Ephesians 4:17-19 and 2 Timothy 3:1-5 if you really wanna feel AWESOME about yourself...)

After reading this, how good can you really feel about yourself? We have absolutely nothing to brag about... so how can you say I'm worth dying for? Clearly, I'M NOT and that's what makes the gospel so beautiful.

(Let me stop now and tell you that if you're looking for this to make sense by the end of the post... just quit now. It won't.)

Our biggest problem is that we think we're God. We thrive on playing God - being in control, knowing everything. Our only hope is in Christ. Without Him, we have nothing to live for. It is in Him that we find worth and purpose for our lives. From Willard's book,

"Only with this confession [Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is more deceitful than all else] is a foundation laid for formation into Christlikeness." We can't begin to look like Christ thinking we're anything good. It starts with humbly admitting you're screwed up. "Our inital move toward Christlikeness cannot be toward self-esteem. Realistically, I'm not okay, and you're not okay. We're all in serious trouble. That must be our starting point. Self-esteem in our situation will only breed self-deception and frustration. Regardless of what we may say to 'pump ourselves up' or what others might tell us, we are better off not concealing or denying who we really are."

In recent years, schools have been pushing the concept of self-esteem. We must build students' self-esteem and make them believe they can succeed. They can do anything they apply themselves to. They are good enough to make it in the world. They have a reason to try, to live, etc... While I totally agree that students, especially teenagers, need motivation and people to believe in their ability to succeed, I also believe that succeeding is not the purpose for living.

The purpose for living, the purpose for Jesus dying on the cross, the purpose for the Bible being written... is not for us to succeed and have a nice life. It's for God's glory. The purpose in living is to advance the kingdom of God. Jesus didn't die because I'm worthy for him to come save me. He died because God showed mercy, grace, and love and planned this. The Bible is written, yes, for us to know how to live - in order to give God glory. In this - bringing God glory - we can find worth, only because of Christ.

I'm starting to go in circles here... but also from Willard's book, a C.S. Lewis quote:

The dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you said it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare . . . . There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, culture, arts, civilizations - these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.

This is something I almost hate to discuss because I'm not comfortable with the end result (not understanding it). But I also love to explore it for the very same reason. I just don't get it... I'd love your opinion/thoughts/arguments/anything you have to say ...

Things I don't like

I'm learning there are things in life I just can't control. I know that about the big things such as the stock market or ... idk, other irrelevant things, but when it comes to little things, I think I should be able to manipulate them. 

Things that get on my nerves:

people complaining every morning about their 8:00 class

people complaining at all about their 9:00 or 9:30 class

people who don't put things back the way they found it

(as a kid I used to look through my parents stuff for things and made sure it looked the same when I was done so they wouldn't know I messed with it... I still feel the need to clean and make sure no one can tell I was there)

people who don't plan ahead at least a little bit

people who plan ahead too much

people who aren't as mature as I think they should be 

the fact that I can't make them be as mature as I think they should be

people who just keep on talking and I feel like I can never get a word in

especially when those people interrupt me

(I could start here about driving habits that REALLY get on my nerves, but I'll spare you.)

So I'm not sure what the point of all this is, but I'm learning to let things go. I'm learning to accept that people aren't like me. They just don't care if things go back in the cabinent the way they did before. They aren't gunna grow up until ... well maybe never. I can't make people shut up when I want or listen when I want them to. And no one can make college students quit complaining about anything before noon. 

Touche. Such is life.

the inside of my twirling universe

These words can't accurately say what I mean, but it's the closest I can come. God is SO good. He is more than I deserve and blesses me in so many ways every single day. I am so thrilled by the fact I get to spend eternity with him forever. Let me tell you about him...

My God didn't make me perfect. He had a better plan. He loves me anyway, and decided to make a plan of redemption instead of a person of perfection... He hears me. He answers me even when I can't see the answers! Today I've recognized a couple more answers to prayer.

My day was incredibly busy (ihatethis) from school, to work, to church... and there's 13 hours of my life gone. With a life like that it's hard to find time to think about God, but he's made himself SO evident in my life. First... the sunrise was simply amazing and beautiful. He reminds me to work on my memory verses before my mind gets too overloaded. My God never gives up on me. I am blessed this semester to have a class (maybe I've talked about it), the psychology of caring for your soul. This class isn't just a class. It is providing me with the opportunity to read 2 books devoted to the idea of re-forming my character to be more like Christ. So even within my busy day, I have a class like this to help me slow down and think about my inner-self and not all that's spinning around me. I feel like it's just a bonus to get college credit for this "work."

After school I go work with my kiddos, who by the way are so impressive. I could brag about them for a while... They make me so proud and I smile constantly because of them. I got to play soccer with a couple boys today and that was the highlight of my day. ANOTHER blessing. I can't explain how I even got the job working with these little people, but God gave it to me.

After work I met with a friend and got to share a little of what's been happening with my life and some of my answers to prayer. She's an awesome listener... I feel like I talked the whole time, but she told me I was an encouragement to her and I thank God for that... I totally wasn't meeting up with her to think "I'm gunna ENCOURAGE her and be a blessing!" But God works things out beautifully.

After friend time, I went to the college service at church... blessing after blessing after blessing (I need a new word for blessing) has come to me through this church. Last summer that very friend I met with today prayed with me about finding a church I could get connected with where God wants me to be. 6 months later, I'm at Brainerd Baptist and am so much more engaged in my relationship with the Lord. Anyway, the Word preached was about building an authentic Biblical community. I prayed that God will help me to bear other people's burdens (not praying with any specific person in mind) and to reach out to others instead of thinking about myself all the time. I didn't realize it until I was driving home that within an hour God answered that.

I got to talk with a (new) friend and I was just saying hello but she opened up to me and let me share some of her burdens and also helped me bear some of mine. I am sooo moved by her heart for God and how brokenhearted she is when she knows something is not the way it should be with her Savior. We prayed together and the way she used Scripture and song lyrics throughout her prayer was beautiful. I love the fact that I can pray with a friend openly, not worrying about what people think but only focusing on possibly the only thing we have in common - our Lord.

God is working on me in many ways... so pray with me that I will be who he wants me to be as an individual but more as a part of a community, a family of believers. I want to find my place within this church (and by church I mean body of believers in Christ, not a building) to do the things God commands - to help people with their problems, to point out sin when it needs to be confronted, to encourage each other in the Word, to pray with people...and whatever else He has in mind.

I am blessed beyond what I can tell you in a blog... or in person. or anywhere.
I looked up "blessed" on thesaurus.com and the only synonym I like enough to mention is "redeemed" but even so, that's not what I mean.
Praise God with me... pray with me, tell me how I can pray for you.

what God said

Around Saturday afternoon I always start to wonder what I should blog about and think... ugh do I have to do it again? But, it's more exciting than the homework I'm procrastinating not to mention this is something I want to remember a year from now... It's my blog so I can write about pretty much anything. I'm not sure why I get anxious about the topic of my blog...

3 weeks ago I wrote my spiritual goals for the year down and marked on my calendar every other Sunday to review my goals. So last week I reviewed them and the one that didn't measure up or really show any progress was the goal to pray more intimately. I asked my discipleship group to pray for me in that area and ... touche... the sermon this week is on prayer. Not to be depressing, but I feel like everytime someone talks about prayer in church, they say the same thing. It always comes around to praying for every single person you know or have ever heard of which just seems impossible to me. The one thing I liked most from the sermon today though was this: You can't really learn to pray by reading books (I've tried), or talking about it in a classroom. You learn by doing it, by practicing.

With that, I'll share some recent answers to prayers. If I talk to you regularly, you probably have already heard this. :P
I mentioned my discipleship group is praying with me... The fact that I have a set of friends I refer to as my discipleship group is an answer to prayer. About 4 weeks before we met together for the first time, I started praying for a group. I didn't know where to find one or who I wanted to be with. My schedule with school and work and church from 8am Monday til 5pm Friday is way too crazy for my taste... but somehow among all that, the 4 of us have the same empty spaces in our schedules. We've only met twice so I don't really know them that well but I am so blessed to have a group for this purpose, to help me grow spiritually and stay accountable, and to have a new set of friends - people I probably wouldn't have chosen to hang out with if God hadn't brought us together.

Before the new year I was asked to be a nanny over the summer for one of my girls at school and her sister. I started praying about it and 2 weeks later met with the mom. I had my expectations coming into the "meeting" and she had hers for their family. So over coffee she told me what she was willing to offer and I wasn't really sure so I didn't give her a definite answer. The week before I was also asked to work at a summer camp. (It is against my nature to think about summer plans in JANUARY but... such is life.) When it came down to the details of which job I wanted (5 months ahead of time), summer camp is less work for about the same money. Being a nanny and investing in 2 little lives for 3 months to me sounds priceless. When I wrote out the pro's and con's of each... the only thing stopping me from saying yes to the mom of those girls was money.
As I've been reading through Proverbs this month, over and over again God has showed me how unimportant money is. Taking this job as a nanny will pay my bills plus some... that's more than I need regardless of how it compares to other jobs. Here's what God said... (The mom and I met on January 16th... and this is from Proverbs 16... not an accident)

Proverbs 16:3 - Commit your work to the LORD and your plans will be established.
Proverbs 16:16 - How much better to get wisdom than gold! To get understanding is to be chosen rather than silver.
Proverbs 16:20 - Whoever gives thought to the word (or to a matter) will discover good, and blessed is he who trusts in the LORD.























I felt peace in making this decision and after talking to a few people about what they think I should do, my
decision was made. These verses confirmed for me what I was specifically praying to God about.

What really gets under my skin are those people who will say "yeah pray about it. God will tell you what to do. You just listen to him." Then... when I make my decision based on God's guidance, if it's not the choice that falls in their favor they have a bad attitude towards me. They hold a grudge against me for doing the very thing they told me to do... Can't it be enough that I'm doing this because God told me to?

I was going to add more about what God's been speaking to me about but... I think this is long enough. :) Please share with me what God's been saying to you. It excites me to hear about what He's doing other places too. :)

working with little lives

Anyone who knows anything about me knows how much I adore kids. For the first time (in my entire 5 years of being in the work force...) I have a job that truly brings me joy each day and even when I'm not having a good day, I smile and laugh anyway.

Adults are so annoying and set in their ways. You can't really tell them anything. We just don't wanna hear it. But kids... (sometimes are annoying too but that's not the point) ... will go along with the flow most of the time. They don't really care about being on time or what their hair looks like. They're so carefree and who else can say the highlight of your day is when you got the color popsicle that you really wanted? 

When I'm irritated they make me smile by seeing a squirrel run across the playground and almost in unison 14 kids run together screaming "squirrel!!" thinking it's gunna come when they call it. What I love most about working with kids is that I get to influence a kid's life. There is a huge difference in a childcare worker who's there because they need the money and a childcare worker who genuinely invests in a life. 

More than half of my k5 kids are probably classified as "problem kids" or the ones that teachers kinda hope they're not in their class. Sometimes they can be a little out of control but I love seeing their personality shine. I love seeing their preferences, what they get excited about, and what they're sensitive about, what's important to them. I feel like I know these kids' parents better than they think I do because your kids say so much about you. 

The worst part about my job is seeing the kids get hurt. I'm not talking about needing a bandaid or even spraining a wrist. I mean when their families fall apart and they get angry and just don't know how to react. They don't know that it's not really socially acceptable to tell people about your parents' problems. They don't know that it's not okay to be angry with everyone and everything because of your own problems so they just let it all out, sorta. It breaks my heart to see one of my kids who feels lost in his world because his foundation (his family) is crumbling. 

One child I worked with for many hours last semester and about once or twice per week now has really been a challenge. He's only three years old and yes he could be better behaved, but knows when people expect him to be bad and he does exactly what you expect him to do. I expect him to do what I tell him and with directions and sometimes redirection, he obeys! He has made so much progress since I started working with him about 5 months ago. It's such a joy to see him growing phyically, mentally, and linguistically. It kills me to hear people talk about this kid like he's some kind of devil though. I really just want to stand up to them and tell them to stop judging this kid. If something is messed up, they assume this kid did it. If someone is crying, of course it's his fault; he must have made the kid cry. This proves that you can learn something from everyone. From these people I've learned that your expectations of kids come true to a large extent... so expect them to be the best.

One of my girls is like me in that she loves doing creative things. When I was little my favorite aisle wasn't the toy aisle but the office supply section where there were so many pretty pens and brand new notebooks and neon highlighters. One day last week she came in with her unopened stationary set. When she opened it I was just as fascinated with it as she was so I kinda serious kinda jokingly said "You're gunna write me a letter now right?" She asked for a pen and tried to hide what she was doing but I knew she was really writing me a note on her cute stationary! I was super excited, ha. Here is the note she wrote me... complete with stamps and a sticker to seal it.

Sometimes I wish my name was easier to spell phonetically.

Lily-Claire at her brother's basketball game :)

engagement pictures

Today I had an amazingly fun time taking pictures of my newly engaged friends Lindi and Joe. I also took engagement pictures for my already married friends Sarah and Jake which you can look at here if you're interested. Lindi's turned out much better than I expected! Here's just a few that I edited today...

love their blue eyes :) (didn't even edit them to make them look like this!)

"longest forehead kiss ever"

possibly the coolest building in downtown Chattanooga

love soldier pictures :)

my favorite of all

cute little church clothes :)

You are my sunshine :)

I love this because it captures our entire day I think... Joe being retarded and Lindi laughing :) I love how happy they are together!