My plan and God's plan.

Something that's been on my mind, as most college students can say, is what direction my life is going. Especially in the last couple months as I've been challenged by God and others to completely give my life to God, I've realized how set I am on my goals and the plan that I see for my life in the next 5-10 years.

I have a plan to graduate college (hopefully in a year ish) and then go to grad school to get a Ed.S. in school psychology. Then pursue a job in a public school doing what I spent 6+ years of my life preparing for.  Sounds logical to me and people seem to be pleased with my general plan for my life when they ask. Sure, if a husband happens to come my way somewhere in there, I'll take it!

Recently I've heard much about laying down my dreams for God's plan. I've heard a bit about missions since my church is very mission-ly minded. I've prayed about short-term missions without any clear answer. *Note: When I say I'm praying about it... that means I'm praying about when, where, and how... not whether or not I should go. That's a given.* So... giving up my dream that I've had since high school of being a counselor for adolescents... doesn't set peacefully within me. I don't see why I need to. If it's God's will, I think he'll reveal it to me, convict me, and change the desires of my heart as I seek him more, especially if I'm asking Him to do so. Maybe I have an unclear understanding of "laying your dreams down."

I believe God has a plan for me also.Today once again I am challenged to obey God. I can give you Bible, sunday-school answers about what it means to obey God, but for my life right now, as I think about the future, I'm praying about what that means. Right now, like I said, I don't think God is telling me to abandon my dreams. I think God gave me the dreams I have and that He has (very generously) provided many means to achieve them for His glory. Right now to abandon those dreams would be stupid. Drop out of school. Quit my job. For what?! What else would I do?? It doesn't make sense for God to tell me to abandon my dream without giving me a different one. If I knew clearly God wanted me to abandon my dream to pursue missions or to do a certain thing... I would be open to that. I'm not sure if I'm limiting God here or if I'm just being practical... Please offer your opinion, thoughts, advice, anything you have...


One blog I follow pretty consistently because it makes sense for me and is always relavent to my life is Ruthie's blog. This particular post "Six Common Misconceptions About God's Will" is on point. From what I read, Ruthie has devoted her life to obeying God and she has experiential advice on the topic.

Not that this song is relavent... but I like it. :) And the thought of a blog on God's Will led to this song in my mind.

Saturday

I feel like I start every post out this way... I have thought about what to say for days now and just wasn't quite content with any of my ideas. After reading one of my friend's blog I decided to write a blog about nothing important, deep, or profound in any way. It's Saturday, so I'll just write about Saturday.

Saturdays used to mean I would sleep in til 11. Now it means I sleep in until 8:30. Usually I have plenty of homework to do (since I don't do much during the week) and sometimes babysitting. But today I didn't really have either. My homework consists of reading (which isn't really work to me...). And I don't have to see any kids today! So today has just been lazy, but I'm not complaining. Today is exactly what I need for my well-being and in order to help maintain my happy attitude. :) A day to wake up slowly, make breakfast, talk to my dogs and no one else, go to the lake and just relax and be quiet.

I obviously didn't do my hair today either...

If I had starbucks within 5 minutes of my house... I would've gone there too...

It's also a day to do fun editing with cute pictures :) (these are my kids from yesterday... we went on an adventure -- I didn't know the destination either -- around the building and outside with random instructions such as skipping for 3 sidewalk blocks, then walking backward, the hopping... we're cool like that.)

Lamentations

Lamentations is not a book of the Bible you generally send new believers to. I had never read it until I was required to for my Old Testament Survey class and I remember liking it even from the first time reading it. I can't say I aspire to memorize it for all its encouraging content, but today it really reached into my soul.

This week for some reason has left me feeling defeated. I have my speculations as far as why this could be, but that's not what I'm here for talking about. I hate it when I am so busy I can't comfortably fit time for my devotions in. I don't like waking up early to do it because then I feel rushed to get ready to leave. I don't like staying up late and doing it because I just can't focus as well and don't learn as much. So on days when I literally have no "me time" I just get really burnt out and frustrated because I don't spend time in the Word and I just get dried out in a way...

Skepticism and cynacism are areas that I struggle with. My dad is a cynic and taught me to examine everything I'm taught and pick an argument with it. I guess this can be valuable but sometimes it's rather annoying! Especially when trying to talk about the arguments I have in my mind with people who are not naturally like this. They just don't understand why I have to make it complicated instead of just believing what is taught. In a Christian school we have chapel twice a week. For 12 years now I've been going to chapel almost every week of my life. It gets old! I get confused by people (new kids) who are so pumped about chapel. But I've tried recently to open my heart more to it and actually try to learn something. It still bothers me when a guy will get up there and preach on John 3:16 and talk to me like I'm not saved. Yes, I understand there are people in my school who are not saved. I'm just not sure that chapel is the place to try to evangelize them... maybe it is. Messages like that though ... I tune them out. Maybe it's wrong of me to do that, but if you're gunna tell me to open my Bible at least make me look at it and really look at it. TEACH!

Chapel today was like that and because of my already stressed out mind I was just over it and I felt bad because I knew my heart was not sensitive to what God was doing there and even what he could have been doing in me all morning. So finally in my 20 minutes of down time between school and work, I just tried to hear from God. I wrote out my frustration and explanations and prayed for God to penetrate my heart, to help me to show people more grace (because I'm not too good at that, particularly in moods like this).

I looked in my concordance in the back of Bible at the word "examine" since I seemed to be examining everything the entire day... The first reference (and the only one I got to...) was Lamentations 3:40. I started at the beginning of the chapter and stopped around verse 26 because I just had to deal with what was there. This resonated with me and my attitude at that moment...

"He has filled me with bitterness... he has made my teeth grind on gravel... my soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is... my endurance has perished and so has my hope from the Lord... my soul is bowed down within me."

When I am so critical, I'm not happy. I'm bitter and grit my teeth and just want to growl lol... I don't have peace inside, I'm not patient and I don't find joy by hoping in the Lord. I'm so glad the entire Bible isn't all happy joy stuff...
The chapter keeps going and completely changes gears. For 2 1/2 chapters the writer has been lamenting and then there's this ray of sunshine

"But I call this to mind and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will hope in him. The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD."

After reading this over and over and dwelling on it... my soul was so much lighter. My heart was more free and I could breathe more deeply. I'm so glad God brought me here before I went to work because I was able to have a wonderful day with my little people.

I just had to share because maybe you're feeling like I was and just can't seem to decide to be happy no matter how hard you try...

a little schizo...

It's been over a week since my last post and I could stand to wait another week probably. I can't really explain what's going on here. I have ALOT to say and share about what's been going on between me and God. But part of me thinks... this blog isn't just for talking about spiritual things. And I also feel like ... I have nothing to say. I don't need to say anything. I need to be quiet for once. So... I'm not really sure where this is going. I guess I can't help but talk about the things I love...

I'm thankful for friends. Jessica has been my friend since we were 9 years old. We haven't always loved each other but now that we're adults and more mature, all the ups and downs in the past 12 years have made our friendship all the more special. She moved away from Chattanooga last summer and of course that's hard. But I know there's a purpose for it and I hope that some day we can live near each other again.

I think this was around 9th grade? I've always loved it.

I'm pretty sure I've told mine and Lindi's life story in a previous blog, but I'm so thankful for her too. It is SOO necessary to have friends who share your belief system and who you can share with. Lindi and I are really different and sometimes I'm not real sure how we get along so well, but I am glad we do. I think we were certainly put together for many reasons. I love that I can be myself with her.

This song has been one of my favorites and I've been wanting to share it.. so I am. There's lots of things I want to share but never do... so here's some!

"For as the surest source of destruction to men is to obey themselves, so the only haven of safety is to have no other will, no other wisdom, than to follow the Lord wherever he leads..." - John Calvin

"The self-denial Jesus speaks of is always the surrender of a lesser, dying self for a greater, eternal one -- the person God intended when he created you. Confidence in this gives the occasion of 'greatly rejoicing, with joy unspeakable and full of glory' (1 Peter 1:8, PAR). Jesus does not deny us personal fulfillment but shows us the only true way to it. In him we 'find our life.'" - Dallas Willard

side note: I love my pandora 2011 Top Christian Hits station...

"Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today. ... The LORD will fight for you and you have only to be silent." Exodus 14:13-14

"observe and seek out all the commandments of the LORD and your God... know the God of your father and serve him with a whole heart and with a willing mind, for the LORD searches all hearts and understands every plan and thought... Be strong and courageous and do it. Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed, for the LORD God even my God is with you. He will not leave you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the..LORD is finished." 1Chronicles 28:8-9,20

"Ask God to give you a passionate prayer life." -Robby Gallaty

Do you ever feel like you do the same thing everyday? I sometimes HATE the fact that we are creatures of habit. I don't like that everyone always sits in the same spot in class. I don't like that people always order the same thing at the same restaurants. I don't like that they always park in the same place. I don't like that they always talk to the same people and don't branch out. Why should I talk to someone else? I'm talking to these people I've gone to school with for 10+ years and I'm okay with that ... that's the reasoning behind it whether it's conscious or not. Anyway... I hate being like that so I've tried to do some things that will get me out of that rut. May I challenge you to sit with someone you've never met? Introduce yourself to a stranger and listen to them instead of talking about yourself. Look people in the eye when you walk past them. Don't just say you'll pray for people. REALLY pray for them and encourage them every now and then by texting them or buying them coffee. Ask someone you work with to go eat with you... even if you don't think you could be friends with them. Don't let your life go by wishing you knew more people, wishing you knew more about the people around you. Invest in someone's life even if it's just a little bit. It's rewarding and fun to see what happens when you don't always do what's habitually expected.

Lindi and I are friends because we went out to eat after work ... not knowing anything about each other really. The best friendships are the ones you have to work to make them work. You get out of it what you put into it (sometimes).

I'm not okay, you're not okay

Self-esteem. Self-worth. Self-image.

Besides your gen psych class... what do those make you think of? Many things come to my mind.
I've posted things online before about how some people have no self-esteem and that's why they let people run over them and aren't respected as a woman or whoever else.
Just last week my friend wrote a blog about worth, saying we are all someone worth dying for (based on that song).
Self-image ties in somewhat but is really a different topic.

This is an area where I've struggled, not because I feel worthless or like I have no reason to live (like others have struggled) but I struggle with where we get this idea that we have self-esteem, that we're worthy of esteem, that we're worthy of anything. I would argue that no one person is worthy of being able to live today. I would also argue to a pregnant girl that her baby deserves to live. These can't be reconciled in my mind; I don't understand it. One of the books (clickhere) I'm reading for my psychology class (psychology of caring for your soul) deals with the revolution of character and the assigned chapter for this next week is called "A Magnificent Ruin." I don't know about anyone else, but I personally think it's kinda depressing! (true, but still depressing)

This is what the Bible says about people in general:


Psalm 14:2-3

The LORD looks down from heaven on the children of man, to see if there are any who understand, who seek after God. They have all turned aside; together they have become corrupt; there is none who does good, not even one.

Romans 3:10-18
 “None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one. Their throat is an open grave; they use their tongues to deceive. The venom of asps is under their lips. Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness. Their feet are swift to shed blood; in their paths are ruin and misery, and the way of peace they have not known. There is no fear of God before their eyes.”


(See Ephesians 4:17-19 and 2 Timothy 3:1-5 if you really wanna feel AWESOME about yourself...)

After reading this, how good can you really feel about yourself? We have absolutely nothing to brag about... so how can you say I'm worth dying for? Clearly, I'M NOT and that's what makes the gospel so beautiful.

(Let me stop now and tell you that if you're looking for this to make sense by the end of the post... just quit now. It won't.)

Our biggest problem is that we think we're God. We thrive on playing God - being in control, knowing everything. Our only hope is in Christ. Without Him, we have nothing to live for. It is in Him that we find worth and purpose for our lives. From Willard's book,

"Only with this confession [Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is more deceitful than all else] is a foundation laid for formation into Christlikeness." We can't begin to look like Christ thinking we're anything good. It starts with humbly admitting you're screwed up. "Our inital move toward Christlikeness cannot be toward self-esteem. Realistically, I'm not okay, and you're not okay. We're all in serious trouble. That must be our starting point. Self-esteem in our situation will only breed self-deception and frustration. Regardless of what we may say to 'pump ourselves up' or what others might tell us, we are better off not concealing or denying who we really are."

In recent years, schools have been pushing the concept of self-esteem. We must build students' self-esteem and make them believe they can succeed. They can do anything they apply themselves to. They are good enough to make it in the world. They have a reason to try, to live, etc... While I totally agree that students, especially teenagers, need motivation and people to believe in their ability to succeed, I also believe that succeeding is not the purpose for living.

The purpose for living, the purpose for Jesus dying on the cross, the purpose for the Bible being written... is not for us to succeed and have a nice life. It's for God's glory. The purpose in living is to advance the kingdom of God. Jesus didn't die because I'm worthy for him to come save me. He died because God showed mercy, grace, and love and planned this. The Bible is written, yes, for us to know how to live - in order to give God glory. In this - bringing God glory - we can find worth, only because of Christ.

I'm starting to go in circles here... but also from Willard's book, a C.S. Lewis quote:

The dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you said it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare . . . . There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, culture, arts, civilizations - these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.

This is something I almost hate to discuss because I'm not comfortable with the end result (not understanding it). But I also love to explore it for the very same reason. I just don't get it... I'd love your opinion/thoughts/arguments/anything you have to say ...

Things I don't like

I'm learning there are things in life I just can't control. I know that about the big things such as the stock market or ... idk, other irrelevant things, but when it comes to little things, I think I should be able to manipulate them. 

Things that get on my nerves:

people complaining every morning about their 8:00 class

people complaining at all about their 9:00 or 9:30 class

people who don't put things back the way they found it

(as a kid I used to look through my parents stuff for things and made sure it looked the same when I was done so they wouldn't know I messed with it... I still feel the need to clean and make sure no one can tell I was there)

people who don't plan ahead at least a little bit

people who plan ahead too much

people who aren't as mature as I think they should be 

the fact that I can't make them be as mature as I think they should be

people who just keep on talking and I feel like I can never get a word in

especially when those people interrupt me

(I could start here about driving habits that REALLY get on my nerves, but I'll spare you.)

So I'm not sure what the point of all this is, but I'm learning to let things go. I'm learning to accept that people aren't like me. They just don't care if things go back in the cabinent the way they did before. They aren't gunna grow up until ... well maybe never. I can't make people shut up when I want or listen when I want them to. And no one can make college students quit complaining about anything before noon. 

Touche. Such is life.