This video seems like just another thing to go along with those cliche retreats that Christian-school kids go on where they separate the boys and the girls and you're supposed to get close to God. They have some pretty cool music, some random speaker that no one really knows, and an emotional high when the Spirit of God is present. Many committments are made and tears come running. Then, two days later, you come down off the mountain, you're at home with your family again. Your family hasn't changed. Your friends who didn't go on the retreat haven't changed, so you forget what God did and what committments you made.
This video, however, rings very true to my own heart. Before I say more, I'll let you watch it.
I can't tell you how many guys I've adored in my head. I say "in my head" because maybe my best friend would know, perhaps my mom if I let it slip, but I never actually told a guy I liked him. I'm a firm believer that the guy should pursue me, plus I'm shy sometimes, so it's awkward to think about just telling someone "I like you." I love how Paula, the girl in the video, says she asked God to free her from her idolatry. Idolatry? I never bowed down to worship a person... but an idol is anything that I want more than I want God. Even now, I'm not crazy about every boy I see or anything like that, but it seems like I always have in the back of my mind this ideal story of falling in love with the right guy, getting married, and having cute babies.
In church services, not just now but for years, I'll notice someone and want him to notice me. Sometimes I've even asked God to make me focus on Him, focus on what I'm really singing, not on this person whom I want to notice me. Even when I pray, it doesn't always happen. Even when I do know what I'm singing, I'm still distracted! It drives. me. crazy. I hate it about myself! Church isnt' the easiest place to forget about wanting to be in a relationship. Look around, you have all these cute couples whose relationship, of course, is centered and established in Christ. Even married couples - they're in ministry together, they can go to the "married people's class," and even hang out with their married friends. It just makes me want that more.
I realize now that I probably sound like a desperate person who needs someone to make my life complete. That's not the truth- I'm very happy at this point in life without a boyfriend and sometimes empathize with my friends who are in relationships because they have so much more drama to deal with than I do. I'm actually pretty proud of myself for not having a boyfriend for quite a while because boys tend to be a stumbling block that comes between me and God. But, I don't have to have a boyfriend in order for them to be a stumbling block. I can't honestly say that I even want a relationship right now. Still, I dream about it, almost constantly. I don't know really what to do to stop it. I've prayed, probably not enough.
My prayer is, like this girl, for God to free me of my idolatry, to help me focus on Him and things that are true, honorable, lovely, just, pure, commendable, excellent, worthy of prasie as Philippians 4 says. A concept I learned from another friend's blog is to pray for God to make me into the woman He wants me to be, as much like Christ as I can be -- NOT into the perfect woman for the perfect man, or a good wife, or even a good mother. But just asking God to make me into His image. Period. Without the idea of my life being spent with someone else. Because let's be honest, no one I know right now is someone I could spend the rest of my life with. It's not wrong to pray for a husband, or pray for God to prepare me for the right man, or even for God to bring that into my life. But it definitely is wrong when I want that so much that I focus on that instead of on God and becoming more like Christ.
I'm not sure that writing all this out has helped, but maybe it will take the load off my mind? Doubt it, but we'll see. At least if you care to pray for me, you know how. Maybe you can relate, and maybe you have some advice to offer. I'm not sure why I shared all this, but it's what's on my heart.
In church today, being the start of a new year, the pastor taught on a lifestyle of worship. (Because my church is all technologically fancy, you can watch it here if you like.) The point that hit home to me was that worship is offered as a sacrifice to God.
"I appeal to you therefore, brothers,
by the mercies of God,
to present your bodies as a living sacrifice,
holy and acceptable to God,
which is your spiritual worship." - Romans 12:1
I memorized these verses in 5th grade and probably at leat 10 times since then for school. As a 10 year old, what am I supposed to understand (especially in the KJV) about "I beseech you therefore".... you lost me at beseech! Anyway, the word "present" in the context means once and for all, like a marriage vow. You don't get married to the same person every year. Neither are we supposed to just on January 1 of every year say "yes, God, I'll worship you this year. I'll be a sacrifice for maybe a couple weeks, til this resolution wears off." Once and for all, give God your entire, entire, your whole, entire, life. I love that my pastor gives us Biblical examples to help me understand this sacrifice thing. I mean, I don't really go around killing lambs and bringing them to church every Sunday. But in the Old Testament, offerings were presented but it didn't count just when you brought it. It counted as a sacrifice when you took your hands off. In order for my life to be entirely committed to Christ, I must take my hands off, trust God, and let go. That's really hard for me to grasp since my life is not literally in the palm of my hand. But it's not hard to see that I'm holding onto parts of my life, because I can handle it (supposedly).
God's teaching me that I have got to let go of this idolatry, of this idea of the perfect man, the perfect relationship, and a perfect family. I'm sure there are other areas of my life that are not totally pleasing to God, but those are easier for me to fix. This is the biggest thing for me to just erase. It is so ingrained in my head and it's a schema I can't change. To my advantage, I don't have to rely on myself to be able to change this. He is powerful, he gives me victory, he calms my fears. All I need to do is trust. I need to repent, ask for healing and victory. The mercy of God covers a multitude of sins.
Thanks for visiting my blog! Like you I've also struggled with focusing so much brain power on a boy (who wouldn't even know I like him because, like you, I would never tell him!) that it became idolatry. Or when I was dating or engaged I would constantly be thinking about how great it would be to be married. Now as a young married I find myself putting my husband before God instead of God first. That's definitely something I need to be working on.
ReplyDeleteCaitlin