We're all searching

To forewarn you, this will be one of those blogs when I just speak my mind unapologetically. It's struck me around the time that I've turned 21 how different my life is from that of other people just like me.

We grew up in the same neighborhood, went to the same school, rode the same bus, spent our summers together. Although are lives are foundationally different, we were very much the same and we shared our differences even when we didn't understand them. Sometimes I feel that you're so shallow. I can't say I didn't expect for you to go a little crazy after leaving the most protective home I've ever seen. But you've been gone almost 5 years now and you haven't had enough yet. It wouldn't bother me as much if you didn't claim to be a Christian and ask for people to pray for you when things aren't well. I still remember being on the phone with you crying, not knowing how to tell you about Jesus because I didn't want to leave anything out. So I asked my dad to tell you and I truly believed you got saved and we were even baptized together! But now nothing in your life shows any sign of Jesus. You've made some stupid decisions and that's okay! But don't continue in your lifestyle of foolishness and claim to have a relationship with the same God I have. I'm no better than you whatsoever. This isn't about me... it's about an inconsistency that I just can't put up with anymore. If you want to live your life that way, fine. Do it. That's your choice, but don't bring my Lord into it and claim He's yours. If you're gunna claim Him, live it.

I don't know your story, but I've seen your life that you've put on display for everyone to see over the past year. I never really did like you because you're loud and I'm not. You talked about stuff I didn't care to hear about. But that was okay with me... the fact that I didn't like you. I mean, it's life. It happens. You can't like everyone. I guess you took it a little more personally and decided to hate me. Then we have this long talk about stupid guys and find out we don't really hate each other after all. It breaks my heart because you're a perfect example of what my generation is. You don't have a good relationship with your father so you search everywhere for that love, affirmation, worth of a man. So you go from one to the next. You do anything to make people like you. You love the same people they love, hate the same people they hate, and try to emulate everything. Life is hard and you always say you'll get through it with this guy... until you break up and it's this new guy... for the next 3 months. Can't you see that it doesn't satisfy? That it's not that you keep finding the wrong guys, it's that NO guy is enough to fulfill what you really need? There's not enough alcohol in any bar or drugs in all the world to give you what you need. But we're all searching for something.

I heard about that void inside each of us before I really understood what it was. Sometimes I'm ashamed of my testimony because it's not radical in the eyes of people. You know those people who were on the verge of suicide and overdosed and bla bla bla.. then Jesus saved them and their lives were totally changed. Mine's not like that and I'm so, so, so, so, SO thankful for that. I see a little more every day what God saved me FROM. He protected me by giving me decent parents. He shielded me from overexposure to sex and drugs by sending me to a Christian school. (Yes there's drugs at Christian schools... that's a different conversation.) Through many other people around me who were hurt, God kept me from hurting myself and pushing me farther into sin than I was. There's a lot of things I can say about myself that people would say "good for you! I'm so glad you're not like these other kids who screw up their lives with sex and alcohol and dead-end jobs." But it's not "good for me." If it was my choice, I very likely would be in the same positions as my "friends." The right response is "Praise God" ... for putting a blanket over me and keeping the wrong influences from getting too close. There aren't HUGE sins that God saved me out of like those with a powerful testimony. But God saved me from ever having to experience addictions like these.

You've probably heard of and seen the "cardboard testimonials" that are a very short version of who a person was before Christ and who he/she is now. If I had one of those, I'm not entirely sure what it would say. Probably something like "Christian school girl to true follower of Jesus." That might not make sense to you. But to me, it does. I've been in a Christian school for longer than I feel like counting right now and at a Christian school, you just say you're a Christian because everyone does. Because of this fad, I can't tell you exactly when I was saved. Yeah, I prayed when I was 7, but I don't think I truly understood salvation. I prayed when I was 14 and was so convicted by not reaching out to my unsaved neighbors. I remember saying "if I'm not saved, save me now." But again, that prayer isn't really what saves you. During high school my daily relationship with God wasn't really on fire. I did that retreat thing where everyone goes off to some remote area with no cell phone service and ends up crying because of the emotions they stir up. Then 2-3 weeks later, I couldn't tell ya what I learned or what change was made in my life. In college, I think due to the more lax environment, I've been able to find God for myself. I didn't seek him because it was my homework, but because God put a desire in me to really know Him. So the change in my life has been from the result of a boring, legalistic Christian school environment plagued by 2-faced-ness transformed into an exciting, challenging, daily journey to knowing God better so that I can obey him more and love him more.

It's interesting to learn about people who grew up in the same classrooms, same church pews, and same cafeteria as I did and see where they are now. It's only been 3 years since I graduated but even in 3 years, so much happens. People are hurting and crying out, searching for true joy...