words I'll never say

This curser is blinking at me waiting for me to say something, but I don't really want to say what's on my mind. There are some things I think about often and in my mind have conversations with the people I'll never actually tell my thoughts to. But why? I guess...because it's not always socially acceptable to say what I'm thinking. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it to even go there. What usually happens when I speak my mind? Someone takes it as argumentative instead of discussionally (is that a word?) and they get offended instead of really talking with me and returning my honesty so we can work out our differences. Sometimes I don't say what I'm thinking because I'm just not ready to deal with whatever issue has come up. Maybe I'm too busy to give it enough attention, or maybe I just don't have the energy to carry on a mature conversation.

I believe sometimes people just can't restore the relationship they used to have. The best friend from when you were 6 years old... the ex boyfriend from when you were 16 ... the best friend you saw every day at school but now that you've graduated you never see anymore and suddenly, you're not as close anymore... the coworker that tears down a few walls to get to know you outside of work, then you quit and don't make an effort to see each other. I have all of these and more. And there are days when I truly wish I could have what I had again. I want to have an innocent friendship where we did nothing all day and argued about dumb stuff but didn't have any disagreements that really kept us from being friends. I miss having a guy for a best friend who I was completely vulnerable with, almost an escape from the rest of my life. I miss talking during the downtime in high school about every day stuff that isn't really significant, but that makes people grow closer. I miss venting to a coworker who's equally as angry at stupid people.

But I don't.
I have better friends now who can have real and meaningful conversations instead of childish ones. I'm happier without a boyfriend than I was at 16 with who I thought was the love of my life. I enjoy talking to new people who don't know every detail of my life, and learning about new people. I certainly don't miss venting about work because my job is pretty much awesome now.

So... the words I'll never say...

It truly breaks my heart to see the direction your life has gone. I wish I could say it's amazing to see how far we've grown spiritually since we were baptized together, but it's quite the opposite. There's no sign whatsoever of Christ in your life. You just decide to ask for prayer when something sucks in your life. You just claim Jesus when you have convictions about treating gay people with respect, without really knowing what the Bible says about it. But your life is a mess now, and the way you're living, it's not getting any better. So I'll pray, but talking to you is pointless at this point.

I really don't understand why we can't have at least an aquaintance relationship. Just because so many emotions happened back then doesn't mean we can't forgive and at least say hi when we pass each other. I'm not really sure why I get the idea that you hate me and don't want to speak to me. I don't really have a desire to be close friends with you, but it would be nice to be able to catch up on the last few years of our lives and see how we've changed. But maybe you haven't.

I struggle to find a balance between treasuring long friendships, and branching out to make new ones.

My face, especially when I was in my teens, shows my heart. When I think you're stupid, it shows on my face. When I am excited, obviously it shows. When I am just doing what I'm told because I have to, my resentment shows. When I don't really want to be talking to you, the bitterness shows on my face. So... I need to learn to manage my face. I love that phrase because it's funny but so ... true. To manage my face is nearly impossible. God designed me with an honesty that I can't really deny no matter how I try to smile when I'm angry. So... my task then is not to manage my face so much as to manage my heart. My thoughts and feelings come through my actions and my body. So in order to change my body (facial expressions), I need to change my thoughts and feelings. I need to have a better attitude about things I don't want to do... which basically kicks my pride in the face and that just isn't fun. And the honesty issue as far as things I'll never say? Maybe I will say them. Maybe I will tell the person what I'm waiting for to make our relationship right. Maybe I will tell that person why I really don't want to be friends with them. Maybe I will confront the people who are too ignorant for my honesty to even accomplish anything.

But maybe not.