Idols versus the Redeemer

Journaling is an awesome thing. When I don't do it, I can't remember anything and I feel unfaithful. Sometimes though, when I do journal, I feel like I do it just to say that I did it. What really needs to happen is for the journaling to be an overflow of what's in my heart rather than using writing to stir up something in my heart.

Last week I didn't journal a single day. I opened my notebook on Sunday at church and the last thing I had written was notes from a week earlier. I started to feel like the journal I was writing, while implementing Bible verses, was really just all about me.

I watched Reba the other day and heard something like this:
In the world there are lots of planets orbiting around lots of suns. There are lots of suns orbiting inside lots of galaxies, and lots of galaxies orbiting in the grand realm of "space." They all orbit around something. And that center of the universe... is not YOU!

I thought it was funny, but that's what God's telling me today.

Yesterday through Ruthie Dean's blog, I came to read Ezekiel 16 and the Lord showed me that my unfaithfulness is disgusting. He painted a picture of his incarnate Love who remains faithful to a forever covenant even in the face of my idolatrous heart.

Today I read Isaiah 43-44. Repeatedly God says that His glory is His purpose (as well as mine). He didn't save me to make me look good. He redeemed me, called me, created me, chose me, forgives me "for [Him]self that they might declare [His] praise" (43:21). There is no god but the God. There's God and there's idols. Who will you choose to serve?

Friends and Enemies

I ran today... I don't run. I don't like running. Being out of breath and feeling my heart go way too fast is just not my idea of fun. I wish it was! I wish I liked running... but I don't. But I feel better now and maybe I'll do it again.

Something God is teaching me lately is how important it is to have godly friends who go through life with you. With friends who confess that they have the same struggles I do, life is easier. When close friends share what God is teaching them, it encourages me to get in the word and see what God is teaching them and find something that God leads me to read and then God teaches me too.

In the last couple days I've been meditating on 2 main themes... 1 - how to treat unbelievers (believers too) 2 - how powerful words are.

My intent for this blog is for my own looking back on and reflecting at what God has done, so I won't make it long.

1- How to treat unbelievers

Romans 12:14-21
*Bless them and don't harm them.
*Be there for them in happy times and hard times.
*Get along - display harmony, complement each other's weaknesses and strengths
*Don't be prideful, but humble.
*Never be wise in your own sight.
*Give thought to do what is honorable - THINK!
*Live at peace
*Don't get even.
*Serve your enemies.

These things are not natural... but the verse I'm memorizing this week in the very next chapter, Romans 13:14 says we're not supposed to do only things that feel natural. "But put on the Lord Jesus Christ and make no provision for the flesh to gratify its desires."

2- How powerful words are

Proverbs 16:24
Proverbs 17:27-28
Proverbs 18:2
Proverbs 18:21

I also learned that James is the "Proverbs of the New Testament"

James has so many wonderful truths and bits of wisdom that it would take a lot of space to share them all.

James 5:16
Therefore confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. They prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

Thinking God's Thoughts

"Prayer is thinking God's thoughts after Him - thoughts that will always be heard and answered." (Thabiti)


The last chapter of Thabiti's book (What Is A Healthy Church Member?) calls a healthy church member a prayer warrior. It discusses what prayer is and what to pray for, etc... Prayer is hard. Some people will just throw out a cry for help "Pray for me!" when they didn't study or when they're on a fast ride at 6 flags (that's me). People who haven't necessarily put their faith in Christ pray when life gets hard.

I really liked the idea that prayer is thinking God's thoughts after him. God is sovereign, in control of all, and knows what we will pray about before we even think about it. And if we pray in the Spirit as we should, it's really God enabling us to pray to himself (which is awesome). But... if God knows everything, why pray?

God doesn't need your prayers to help him decide what He's gunna do in your life. However, we need God and prayer shows our dependence on God. Prayer isn't an avenue to make God change his mind or to help him make decisions. It is a privilege for God's children to have access to talk to our Father anytime!

"Christianity isn't a solo sport and prayer is not a trip through the Burger King drive-thru, where we shout into an inanimate receiver, wait and few moments, and then receive the bag of goodies we ordered to 'have it our way.'"

I think it's cool to find prayers in the Bible, particularly David's Psalms or Paul's letters. God tells us what to pray for! It's a different perspective to think of God being omniscient and instead of just knowing everything and letting us figure it out, he decided to give us an opportunity to talk to him. It's interesting that he knows what he's going to do, but he still tells us to talk to him about it. Then he answers! We can find the request and the answers in Scripture.

God knows what's going to happen, tells us to pray, tells us what to pray for, how to pray, and answers our prayers. It's all about Him really. Prayer changes us and our relationship to God.

I'm thankful God hasn't left us lost without any direction in His word or any comfort through prayer. He didn't leave us to figure out life on our own, but tells us to talk to him constantly about everything and everyone. It's comforting that He does know everything and when we're ready, He'll reveal himself.

"Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving." Colossians 4:2

Thabiti's book (I just like the name Thabiti.)

Well, I'm here! I'm not gunna ignore the fact that I haven't posted in 2 months; I'm just not going to talk about it. A few things have changed in my life in the past 2 months - some disappointing, but others proof of God's grace (undeserved favor) on me. Relationships have changed... some are leaving and some are beginning to grow. Life is exciting, really. It's always interesting how things turn out. I've had some great expectations for what I thought my summer would look like. However, that's not how it's gunna be, and I'm very glad. I think this is the first post I've made since I got a Mac! That's cool...

I've partially put off writing because it HAS been so long and I'm just not even sure what to say. But I've got to start some time, so here we go. One of the sorta big things that has happened between my last post and now is that I'm officially a member of my church, Brainerd Baptist. They have a "Membership Matters" class for people who are interested in becoming a member, or just learning more about our church. Parts of the class are boring because it's basic knowledge - facts that are crucial to the foundation of church membership, but just stuff that I've known since I've grown up in churches. Other parts of it were interesting, but my favorite part was all the new, free stuff I got (consumer Christian, I know). They gave me four new books, 3 that I didn't have before.

The one my college pastor suggested I read first is What Is A Healthy Church Member? by Thabiti Anyabwile (yeah I can't say it either). It gives 10 marks of a healthy church member, and if I had thought about this before finishing chapter 8, I would've written a post on every chapter. But... I'm too anxious to read other books this summer to go back and read it again just to blog about it. Mark 7 (of a healthy church member) says that a healthy church member seeks discipline. Since school has been out and my work schedule isn't consistent right now, it's so much harder for me to designate a time for reading the Bible. I can't blame my schedule though. The only thing I can blame is my own lack of discipline, apathetic attitude, and forgotten faith that the Word can speak truth into my life and that it is how God speaks to me personally.

Thabiti's book helped me to examine myself by asking these questions:

• As we read the Bible, are we reading for information only or with faith that God actually speaks through his Word?
• Is our first reaction to the Scripture "how does this make me feel?" or "do I accept this as true?" Do we allow our feelings to determine what's true, or do we allow the Scriptures to determine our feelings?

We should receive the Word "with a friendly and submissive heart." "Specifically, we accept the fact that the Bible is true, that it's the only sufficient authority for shaping our lives, and that it must govern how we feel and think."

This helped me to realize that the reason I just haven't been excited about being in the Word everyday is even though I know the Bible is true and God's avenue of communication for us, I "forgot." I wasn't applying the truth to my heart and applying it to my life. If I had been truly believing that God will speak and that I'm doing more than gleaning information, I would have found a desire for reading it. "The Bible was not written to satisfy your curiousity; it was written to transform your life" (not sure who said that, but I remember it).

When a believer is seeking discipline (mark 7), he/she will be a growing disciple (mark 8).

I know I'm not the only Christian whose had those months of no growth. It's so easy in a Christian environment with Bible classes and chapels to rely on that for my spiritual feeding. But, that's not ultimately satisfying because that's not how God designed for us to be nourished. What I learned from this chapter is that I should always be striving for maturity. Here are some quotes and main points from chapter 8 in Thabiti's book:

• "We're far too vulnerable to settling for being thought of as mature rather than actually being mature."

• We get stuck in a performance trap that hinders growth. - So many things in American culture are measured by performance (sports stats, grammy awards, etc...) and we carry that mindset over to our relationship with the Lord. If we have enough quiet times, read enough books, and listen to enough sermons, then we're spiritually healthy, right? No - This isn't growth.

• Growth is also not relative to how the other Christians around you are doing. You're not a strong Christian just because you are surrounded by weaker ones. God won't compare us to others when he judges our lives. 

• "Self-effort is not the source of true spiritual growth." This was probably the root of my lack of discipline. I so often revert back to my own strength to grow spiritually instead of asking the Spirit to mature me. "Holy Scripture tells us that our progress in discipleship and spiritual maturity depends on the grace and will of God, not on our own self-effort and strength."

I might write a post on the next 2 chapters if I feel like it. But God has used this book to convict me, and I definitely recommend it. It's simple enough for the normal person to understand but profound enough to challenge you. And the best part was... it was free. :) 

Confidence to find grace

Today I am thankful that God doesn't just leave us alone. God disciplines his children. And it's not a slap on the wrist or sitting in time out. It's like he just takes your heart and squeezes it til you cry "mercy." I don't mean to make my God sound harmful, but discipline is ultimately good. It's for His glory and to make his children more like Himself. I don't know if you have those friends who will really tell you when you're wrong or call you out when you're not doing your best, but God has put a couple of those people in my life. And they're not friends who are college students that I hang out with all the time. But I am beyond grateful for these people because they have helped me grow spiritually. I'm pretty convinced after today that God uses people to discipline his children also. When we're kids, it's our parents. But when we're adults, he can use a number of things to figuratively punch us in the face. Today, it was harsh words from someone. All day I've been on the verge of tears and will probably cry before I finish this post, again. 

What I've learned today:- I am weak.- Weakness isn't bad. "When I'm weak, then am I strong" said Paul. God's strength is made perfect in my weakness (something I don't understand).

- Discipline sucks.

- Discipline is good for you.

- A good friend will still hold you like a parents holds that child throwing a fit, kicking and screaming for mom to put him down. A friend will give you the tough stuff, then hold you til you calm down and can act right.

- I'm naked in front of God. He exposes everything in me.

- I am invited to come to the throne of grace with boldness.

- There, there is mercy and grace to help in time of need.Basically, I need him desperately...

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account... Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:12-13, 16)

I Can't Get Over You

Tonight I'm praying. Not exclusively. Actually it's kinda the last thing I'm doing. But I'm praying. Because I don't want to talk to anyone but someone who understands me. And only my Creator can.

I'm praying for someone else who can understand me. I'm not praying for a husband who's pure or godly or strong or educated or emotionally stable or popular or passionate. Not tonight. I'm praying for a man who can just understand me. Which... is probably more than all of those things put together.

Sometimes, the week just piles up on you. Even after you skip school and eat a bunch of chocolate, it's just not enough to soothe my soul. I love my job. I love my children more than I ever imagined I would love a little person. But they don't give you any alone time. They want you there constantly. They always have a question, always have something to show off, and need a bandaid or a hug. And I love that about them. I love that they need me. But I need me time. And after a while, I just have to get away. From my little loves, from my friends, from my family, from my home... and just be alone.

So... what happens when I'm married and have kids? When I have a defeating week, I can't just run out on them. I can't just leave the house without my phone and not worry then. And so I'm praying for a husband who understands me. Who knows how to detect that I'm tired and hormonal and broken. Who knows what I need when all those words describe me, and who doesn't feel abandoned because I need a minute alone. The more I think about all that I want, the more I realize I should really be praying for him because he's gunna need the Lord's help to be all this for me. And I know he's not perfect, but I'm praying.

The first time I heard this song, I watched the acoustic video of them singing it and my heart swelled up. That video is no longer available (sad day), but I found this one about "behind the song" and it may even fit better with this post. 

Even though I loved the voices and melody, the words of this song made me a little critical. I'm not really into songs about God that could be sung to your boyfriend as well. But the more I hear this and really meditate on it, the less I am critical. 

I'm so thankful that even though I'm an emotional roller coaster some weeks, and one day I'm your friend and the next I'm not, God's not like that. He's always the same. He remains and his love is the same even when I'm 2-faced. 

"I can't get over you" isn't about a bad break-up. It's about how overwhelming the Lord's love is, especially when we resist it. His love has covered me. 

"I can't get over the way your love stays the same O Lord. I can't get over the way your love stays the same. Even through the good and the bad times, you stay the same. So my song will remain.

Hold me just a little bit closer, I don't wanna lose this moment. Your love has covered me and now I can't get over you."

"This moment" isn't embracing someone for those last 5 minutes before curfew. And a relationship with God shouldn't be based on emotions, but it is emotional. We are emotional. So there are moments when you just stop and see God. Tonight I just left my phone behind and drove. Into nature, into the sunset and open fields. I definitely want to live out in the country and not in a neighborhood some day. I was admiring the fields and horses and felt like I was in Ireland or Scotland with all the green around me and hills in the distance. But I eventually just had to stop. In the middle of the highway, I just stopped my car and sat down to watch the sun go down, to think about how beautiful the Lord is, and that was one of those moments when I just couldn't get over Him. I wanted to be held even closer. And the good thing is, I never have to say "goodnight" to God. He'll hold me as long as I hold onto Him and still doesn't let go when I run away. So when I listened to this song on my way home and heard "I don't wanna lose this moment," I understood it in a new way. God promises that when we pursue a relationship with Him, we'll find him. When I draw close to God, he'll come close to me. 

Going back to the husband thing, with a God like that, obviously no man can compare. But I'm praying for a man that can imitate that love for me that my Father has and that God will (in time) reveal to this man how to deal with me (because it'll likely take a revelation from God for someone to understand all this complicated mess). 

So... no matter how many annoying, stressful, insignificant yet urgent things are going on around me, my song should remain. I need to still praise Him.

"I will sing to the Lord as long as I live;

I will sing praise to my God while I have being.

May my meditation be pleasing to him,

for I rejoice in the Lord."

Psalm 104:33-34

a letter to me...

It is so cool to see God answering prayers in different ways. I've had prayers that it seems like there's no answer or that it's "no," but other answers to prayer are starting to be unveiled. I've always "known" that God answers prayer in His timing, but I'm starting to see how annoying that is for a selfish impatient daughter. In little ways, God answers me every day. When I feel so tired and unmotivated to do anything because my school is stupid and the people at my school are less than smart and I'd just rather be doing anything else... God gives me the encouragement and motivation I need. It seems like every Tuesday sucks for me until the last part of my day... so I thought last night "I need to write a letter to myself to read every Tuesday that will give me a little hope."

Dear me,
Let's face it. Tuesdays suck. It's not Monday, but it's not Friday. Even Mondays are better! You get pretty much no time to yourself. Your teachers are just annoyingly chipper and critical of everything you actually like. Chapel usually is overrated. You'll just eat lunch with the same people again and then try not to fall asleep in class....again. Then you'll go to work and your kids will decide to be extraordinarily inquisitive just because they can tell you have a headache from your lack of caffeine. Just be extra sweet to them. Because even if you're "extra sweet" today... it'll just be your normal patience level on a regular day that doesn't suck this bad. That one girl that's always super loud (what is she deaf in one ear or something?), she's gonna poke you over and over to get your attention, so just give her a hug instead of yelling at her to stop being a pest. Smile at all the parents, because hey! They're taking their kid with them! What more could you ask for? Okay... only a few more hours. I know you've been contemplating all day whether or not you really want to go to church tonight. You do. Just go. You never walk away thinking "dang it. why did I go? I could be asleep right now." And every time you skip? There's always those people who are like "You missed out last night." And you just regret it. So go. You get to sing songs that actually mean something, talk to people who have the same struggles you do, listen to music that is actually well done and it won't be those people from chapel that you're thinking "ugh...you again? just stop singing." - it's actually people who are good at what they do. You get to hear from someone about the best thing ever to talk about - your precious Savior who is always faithful and never runs out on you. Have you ever NOT learned something from whoever is preaching on a Tuesday night? Um... nope. So be excited! go! And be happy about it dang it! Then just go home and go to sleep.
You're welcome,
me.

Welcome to a little bit of my thoughts to myself....