Lamentations

Lamentations is not a book of the Bible you generally send new believers to. I had never read it until I was required to for my Old Testament Survey class and I remember liking it even from the first time reading it. I can't say I aspire to memorize it for all its encouraging content, but today it really reached into my soul.

This week for some reason has left me feeling defeated. I have my speculations as far as why this could be, but that's not what I'm here for talking about. I hate it when I am so busy I can't comfortably fit time for my devotions in. I don't like waking up early to do it because then I feel rushed to get ready to leave. I don't like staying up late and doing it because I just can't focus as well and don't learn as much. So on days when I literally have no "me time" I just get really burnt out and frustrated because I don't spend time in the Word and I just get dried out in a way...

Skepticism and cynacism are areas that I struggle with. My dad is a cynic and taught me to examine everything I'm taught and pick an argument with it. I guess this can be valuable but sometimes it's rather annoying! Especially when trying to talk about the arguments I have in my mind with people who are not naturally like this. They just don't understand why I have to make it complicated instead of just believing what is taught. In a Christian school we have chapel twice a week. For 12 years now I've been going to chapel almost every week of my life. It gets old! I get confused by people (new kids) who are so pumped about chapel. But I've tried recently to open my heart more to it and actually try to learn something. It still bothers me when a guy will get up there and preach on John 3:16 and talk to me like I'm not saved. Yes, I understand there are people in my school who are not saved. I'm just not sure that chapel is the place to try to evangelize them... maybe it is. Messages like that though ... I tune them out. Maybe it's wrong of me to do that, but if you're gunna tell me to open my Bible at least make me look at it and really look at it. TEACH!

Chapel today was like that and because of my already stressed out mind I was just over it and I felt bad because I knew my heart was not sensitive to what God was doing there and even what he could have been doing in me all morning. So finally in my 20 minutes of down time between school and work, I just tried to hear from God. I wrote out my frustration and explanations and prayed for God to penetrate my heart, to help me to show people more grace (because I'm not too good at that, particularly in moods like this).

I looked in my concordance in the back of Bible at the word "examine" since I seemed to be examining everything the entire day... The first reference (and the only one I got to...) was Lamentations 3:40. I started at the beginning of the chapter and stopped around verse 26 because I just had to deal with what was there. This resonated with me and my attitude at that moment...

"He has filled me with bitterness... he has made my teeth grind on gravel... my soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is... my endurance has perished and so has my hope from the Lord... my soul is bowed down within me."

When I am so critical, I'm not happy. I'm bitter and grit my teeth and just want to growl lol... I don't have peace inside, I'm not patient and I don't find joy by hoping in the Lord. I'm so glad the entire Bible isn't all happy joy stuff...
The chapter keeps going and completely changes gears. For 2 1/2 chapters the writer has been lamenting and then there's this ray of sunshine

"But I call this to mind and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will hope in him. The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD."

After reading this over and over and dwelling on it... my soul was so much lighter. My heart was more free and I could breathe more deeply. I'm so glad God brought me here before I went to work because I was able to have a wonderful day with my little people.

I just had to share because maybe you're feeling like I was and just can't seem to decide to be happy no matter how hard you try...

the inside of my twirling universe

These words can't accurately say what I mean, but it's the closest I can come. God is SO good. He is more than I deserve and blesses me in so many ways every single day. I am so thrilled by the fact I get to spend eternity with him forever. Let me tell you about him...

My God didn't make me perfect. He had a better plan. He loves me anyway, and decided to make a plan of redemption instead of a person of perfection... He hears me. He answers me even when I can't see the answers! Today I've recognized a couple more answers to prayer.

My day was incredibly busy (ihatethis) from school, to work, to church... and there's 13 hours of my life gone. With a life like that it's hard to find time to think about God, but he's made himself SO evident in my life. First... the sunrise was simply amazing and beautiful. He reminds me to work on my memory verses before my mind gets too overloaded. My God never gives up on me. I am blessed this semester to have a class (maybe I've talked about it), the psychology of caring for your soul. This class isn't just a class. It is providing me with the opportunity to read 2 books devoted to the idea of re-forming my character to be more like Christ. So even within my busy day, I have a class like this to help me slow down and think about my inner-self and not all that's spinning around me. I feel like it's just a bonus to get college credit for this "work."

After school I go work with my kiddos, who by the way are so impressive. I could brag about them for a while... They make me so proud and I smile constantly because of them. I got to play soccer with a couple boys today and that was the highlight of my day. ANOTHER blessing. I can't explain how I even got the job working with these little people, but God gave it to me.

After work I met with a friend and got to share a little of what's been happening with my life and some of my answers to prayer. She's an awesome listener... I feel like I talked the whole time, but she told me I was an encouragement to her and I thank God for that... I totally wasn't meeting up with her to think "I'm gunna ENCOURAGE her and be a blessing!" But God works things out beautifully.

After friend time, I went to the college service at church... blessing after blessing after blessing (I need a new word for blessing) has come to me through this church. Last summer that very friend I met with today prayed with me about finding a church I could get connected with where God wants me to be. 6 months later, I'm at Brainerd Baptist and am so much more engaged in my relationship with the Lord. Anyway, the Word preached was about building an authentic Biblical community. I prayed that God will help me to bear other people's burdens (not praying with any specific person in mind) and to reach out to others instead of thinking about myself all the time. I didn't realize it until I was driving home that within an hour God answered that.

I got to talk with a (new) friend and I was just saying hello but she opened up to me and let me share some of her burdens and also helped me bear some of mine. I am sooo moved by her heart for God and how brokenhearted she is when she knows something is not the way it should be with her Savior. We prayed together and the way she used Scripture and song lyrics throughout her prayer was beautiful. I love the fact that I can pray with a friend openly, not worrying about what people think but only focusing on possibly the only thing we have in common - our Lord.

God is working on me in many ways... so pray with me that I will be who he wants me to be as an individual but more as a part of a community, a family of believers. I want to find my place within this church (and by church I mean body of believers in Christ, not a building) to do the things God commands - to help people with their problems, to point out sin when it needs to be confronted, to encourage each other in the Word, to pray with people...and whatever else He has in mind.

I am blessed beyond what I can tell you in a blog... or in person. or anywhere.
I looked up "blessed" on thesaurus.com and the only synonym I like enough to mention is "redeemed" but even so, that's not what I mean.
Praise God with me... pray with me, tell me how I can pray for you.