We're all searching

To forewarn you, this will be one of those blogs when I just speak my mind unapologetically. It's struck me around the time that I've turned 21 how different my life is from that of other people just like me.

We grew up in the same neighborhood, went to the same school, rode the same bus, spent our summers together. Although are lives are foundationally different, we were very much the same and we shared our differences even when we didn't understand them. Sometimes I feel that you're so shallow. I can't say I didn't expect for you to go a little crazy after leaving the most protective home I've ever seen. But you've been gone almost 5 years now and you haven't had enough yet. It wouldn't bother me as much if you didn't claim to be a Christian and ask for people to pray for you when things aren't well. I still remember being on the phone with you crying, not knowing how to tell you about Jesus because I didn't want to leave anything out. So I asked my dad to tell you and I truly believed you got saved and we were even baptized together! But now nothing in your life shows any sign of Jesus. You've made some stupid decisions and that's okay! But don't continue in your lifestyle of foolishness and claim to have a relationship with the same God I have. I'm no better than you whatsoever. This isn't about me... it's about an inconsistency that I just can't put up with anymore. If you want to live your life that way, fine. Do it. That's your choice, but don't bring my Lord into it and claim He's yours. If you're gunna claim Him, live it.

I don't know your story, but I've seen your life that you've put on display for everyone to see over the past year. I never really did like you because you're loud and I'm not. You talked about stuff I didn't care to hear about. But that was okay with me... the fact that I didn't like you. I mean, it's life. It happens. You can't like everyone. I guess you took it a little more personally and decided to hate me. Then we have this long talk about stupid guys and find out we don't really hate each other after all. It breaks my heart because you're a perfect example of what my generation is. You don't have a good relationship with your father so you search everywhere for that love, affirmation, worth of a man. So you go from one to the next. You do anything to make people like you. You love the same people they love, hate the same people they hate, and try to emulate everything. Life is hard and you always say you'll get through it with this guy... until you break up and it's this new guy... for the next 3 months. Can't you see that it doesn't satisfy? That it's not that you keep finding the wrong guys, it's that NO guy is enough to fulfill what you really need? There's not enough alcohol in any bar or drugs in all the world to give you what you need. But we're all searching for something.

I heard about that void inside each of us before I really understood what it was. Sometimes I'm ashamed of my testimony because it's not radical in the eyes of people. You know those people who were on the verge of suicide and overdosed and bla bla bla.. then Jesus saved them and their lives were totally changed. Mine's not like that and I'm so, so, so, so, SO thankful for that. I see a little more every day what God saved me FROM. He protected me by giving me decent parents. He shielded me from overexposure to sex and drugs by sending me to a Christian school. (Yes there's drugs at Christian schools... that's a different conversation.) Through many other people around me who were hurt, God kept me from hurting myself and pushing me farther into sin than I was. There's a lot of things I can say about myself that people would say "good for you! I'm so glad you're not like these other kids who screw up their lives with sex and alcohol and dead-end jobs." But it's not "good for me." If it was my choice, I very likely would be in the same positions as my "friends." The right response is "Praise God" ... for putting a blanket over me and keeping the wrong influences from getting too close. There aren't HUGE sins that God saved me out of like those with a powerful testimony. But God saved me from ever having to experience addictions like these.

You've probably heard of and seen the "cardboard testimonials" that are a very short version of who a person was before Christ and who he/she is now. If I had one of those, I'm not entirely sure what it would say. Probably something like "Christian school girl to true follower of Jesus." That might not make sense to you. But to me, it does. I've been in a Christian school for longer than I feel like counting right now and at a Christian school, you just say you're a Christian because everyone does. Because of this fad, I can't tell you exactly when I was saved. Yeah, I prayed when I was 7, but I don't think I truly understood salvation. I prayed when I was 14 and was so convicted by not reaching out to my unsaved neighbors. I remember saying "if I'm not saved, save me now." But again, that prayer isn't really what saves you. During high school my daily relationship with God wasn't really on fire. I did that retreat thing where everyone goes off to some remote area with no cell phone service and ends up crying because of the emotions they stir up. Then 2-3 weeks later, I couldn't tell ya what I learned or what change was made in my life. In college, I think due to the more lax environment, I've been able to find God for myself. I didn't seek him because it was my homework, but because God put a desire in me to really know Him. So the change in my life has been from the result of a boring, legalistic Christian school environment plagued by 2-faced-ness transformed into an exciting, challenging, daily journey to knowing God better so that I can obey him more and love him more.

It's interesting to learn about people who grew up in the same classrooms, same church pews, and same cafeteria as I did and see where they are now. It's only been 3 years since I graduated but even in 3 years, so much happens. People are hurting and crying out, searching for true joy...

working with little lives

Anyone who knows anything about me knows how much I adore kids. For the first time (in my entire 5 years of being in the work force...) I have a job that truly brings me joy each day and even when I'm not having a good day, I smile and laugh anyway.

Adults are so annoying and set in their ways. You can't really tell them anything. We just don't wanna hear it. But kids... (sometimes are annoying too but that's not the point) ... will go along with the flow most of the time. They don't really care about being on time or what their hair looks like. They're so carefree and who else can say the highlight of your day is when you got the color popsicle that you really wanted? 

When I'm irritated they make me smile by seeing a squirrel run across the playground and almost in unison 14 kids run together screaming "squirrel!!" thinking it's gunna come when they call it. What I love most about working with kids is that I get to influence a kid's life. There is a huge difference in a childcare worker who's there because they need the money and a childcare worker who genuinely invests in a life. 

More than half of my k5 kids are probably classified as "problem kids" or the ones that teachers kinda hope they're not in their class. Sometimes they can be a little out of control but I love seeing their personality shine. I love seeing their preferences, what they get excited about, and what they're sensitive about, what's important to them. I feel like I know these kids' parents better than they think I do because your kids say so much about you. 

The worst part about my job is seeing the kids get hurt. I'm not talking about needing a bandaid or even spraining a wrist. I mean when their families fall apart and they get angry and just don't know how to react. They don't know that it's not really socially acceptable to tell people about your parents' problems. They don't know that it's not okay to be angry with everyone and everything because of your own problems so they just let it all out, sorta. It breaks my heart to see one of my kids who feels lost in his world because his foundation (his family) is crumbling. 

One child I worked with for many hours last semester and about once or twice per week now has really been a challenge. He's only three years old and yes he could be better behaved, but knows when people expect him to be bad and he does exactly what you expect him to do. I expect him to do what I tell him and with directions and sometimes redirection, he obeys! He has made so much progress since I started working with him about 5 months ago. It's such a joy to see him growing phyically, mentally, and linguistically. It kills me to hear people talk about this kid like he's some kind of devil though. I really just want to stand up to them and tell them to stop judging this kid. If something is messed up, they assume this kid did it. If someone is crying, of course it's his fault; he must have made the kid cry. This proves that you can learn something from everyone. From these people I've learned that your expectations of kids come true to a large extent... so expect them to be the best.

One of my girls is like me in that she loves doing creative things. When I was little my favorite aisle wasn't the toy aisle but the office supply section where there were so many pretty pens and brand new notebooks and neon highlighters. One day last week she came in with her unopened stationary set. When she opened it I was just as fascinated with it as she was so I kinda serious kinda jokingly said "You're gunna write me a letter now right?" She asked for a pen and tried to hide what she was doing but I knew she was really writing me a note on her cute stationary! I was super excited, ha. Here is the note she wrote me... complete with stamps and a sticker to seal it.

Sometimes I wish my name was easier to spell phonetically.

Lily-Claire at her brother's basketball game :)

Joy and Peace

It's always easier to stay faithful to studying the Bible when I'm in a routine. Last semester it was great not having to go to work until noon 3 days a week, then having school only 2 days a week. Especially on MWF, I could wake up at 9, take my time waking up, take my time studying, and still have time to get ready to go. When the cycle is broken, I struggle to make myself have a special time to focus only on my relationship with Christ. However, if I'm home alone especially in the mornings, and have nothing to really do that day, I can still make time easily. When I start traveling and stay at other peoples' houses, that's the hardest for me. It's hard to stay in one place and not really be bothered with anyone else for 30 minutes to an hour unless I wake up early or strain myself to stay up later. Let's face it, no one wants to wake up early... especially not on vacation. And when it's time to go to sleep after I've already fallen asleep watching a movie, I tell myself, "I'll just do it in the morning" and so it continues. 


Before Christmas break I was studying Philippians through a book by Kay Arthur and David Lawson, That I May Know Him. I'm not gunna lie... 6 weeks in the same book is kinda a long time! I got excited when we'd move on to the next chapter because I had read the previous chapter at least 20 times. Not that that's a bad thing. But sometimes I would be excited to see what I'd learn that day, and it would say "read Philippians 3 for the 40th time" and I felt like there was nothing new for me. So over the break I decided to break away from that, then today I came back to Philippians. Ironically enough, I only had 1 day left. The last day of each week in the study has discussion questions that you can use if you're studying through the book as a small group, or just individual study questions. They're the type of questions you don't want to answer, the ones you avoid when you're just skimming through. You don't really want to think about "what are you going to do about what you've learned?" or "how are you going to live out God's instructions?". But I felt like a kid at an amusement park. I wanted to run on to the next fun ride, but I didn't want to stop and wait in line for 30 minutes to eat, even though food is what I need. God was like taking my hand and dragging me back into line to wait for the nourishment I needed. Thinking through the hard questions make studying the Bible more tangible. It's easier for me to see where I'm lacking, and what I need to do about it. It also helps me focus on some key points and ya know? When I asked the Holy Spirit to teach me somethin... dontcha know he actually did it? Crazy how that works out...


This is a summary of the end of Philippians...if it seems broken, I'm sorry. These are just my notes scribbled out.


Main teaching -- 

• rejoice
• claim peace
• be content
• keep a good attitude 
• keep a proper focus
• help others

What I learn about "joy" and "rejoice" --

• Joy comes from the Lord.
• Rejoicing is the result of inner joy, not based on circumstances.
• Rejoice ALL the time.
• Paul's example: He rejoiced in prison, when he was poor and hungry, in need of support.

So what does that mean for my life? - trust God for joy, don't rely on circumstances or people for happiness. Talk with God, pray and thank Him, ask Him, He guards your heart.

That promise was probably the best thing from today. Here's the passage from Philippians 4: 4-7

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Because I'm a spoiled American brat, it's so easy for me not to be content with what I have. I complain when things are the want I want them. (I'm working on that.) But, no matter what, even if I really did having something to complain about - if I was starving, in jail, abused for obeying Scripture - still there's nothing to worry about, according to Paul. 

What does this say about being anxious? DON'T DO IT! Don't be anxious, chill out. Stop complaining, stop worrying, stop trying to fix your own crises. ... Well... if I can't do any of those things... what AM I supposed to do?? 

1. Rejoice.

2. Talk to God... pray about everything. Thank God. Ask him for what you want.

Then God promises to guard your heart and mind. What an awesome promise. Who else can promise that? People can try to protect us from getting heartbroken or perverting our minds, but God is in control. He will give you peace that you cannot understand, and can't explain. Right after he promises to guard our minds, he tells us what to think about in 4:8 - things that are: true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, worthy of praise. How do we make ourselves focus on these types of things? Through Christ who is guarding our minds, remember? 

I love that one of the key words of the book of Philippians is "mind" or "attitude." I don't really struggle to obey the Bible in actions very much. Because I've always been in Christian environments, I'm pretty good at looking like a good Christian kid. But many of my sins are rooted in my mind and no doubt, the sinful actions I do are a result of an already sinful mind. My mind needs more work. 

There's more from the discussion questions I could type out but I'm not trying to make a 35 minute sermon here. 

*The most powerful thing spoken to me during this study: I must give up my life, be willing to forsake EVERY thing, all my comforts, my pride, my privileges, even what I think are my "rights," for the Lord. Why? The reward is to know Him more.

Whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed I count everything as loss becuase of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish in order that I may gain Christ... -Philippians 3:7-9

*The hardest thing for me to do: Stay humble.

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others... -Philippians 2:3-4