I Can't Get Over You

Tonight I'm praying. Not exclusively. Actually it's kinda the last thing I'm doing. But I'm praying. Because I don't want to talk to anyone but someone who understands me. And only my Creator can.

I'm praying for someone else who can understand me. I'm not praying for a husband who's pure or godly or strong or educated or emotionally stable or popular or passionate. Not tonight. I'm praying for a man who can just understand me. Which... is probably more than all of those things put together.

Sometimes, the week just piles up on you. Even after you skip school and eat a bunch of chocolate, it's just not enough to soothe my soul. I love my job. I love my children more than I ever imagined I would love a little person. But they don't give you any alone time. They want you there constantly. They always have a question, always have something to show off, and need a bandaid or a hug. And I love that about them. I love that they need me. But I need me time. And after a while, I just have to get away. From my little loves, from my friends, from my family, from my home... and just be alone.

So... what happens when I'm married and have kids? When I have a defeating week, I can't just run out on them. I can't just leave the house without my phone and not worry then. And so I'm praying for a husband who understands me. Who knows how to detect that I'm tired and hormonal and broken. Who knows what I need when all those words describe me, and who doesn't feel abandoned because I need a minute alone. The more I think about all that I want, the more I realize I should really be praying for him because he's gunna need the Lord's help to be all this for me. And I know he's not perfect, but I'm praying.

The first time I heard this song, I watched the acoustic video of them singing it and my heart swelled up. That video is no longer available (sad day), but I found this one about "behind the song" and it may even fit better with this post. 

Even though I loved the voices and melody, the words of this song made me a little critical. I'm not really into songs about God that could be sung to your boyfriend as well. But the more I hear this and really meditate on it, the less I am critical. 

I'm so thankful that even though I'm an emotional roller coaster some weeks, and one day I'm your friend and the next I'm not, God's not like that. He's always the same. He remains and his love is the same even when I'm 2-faced. 

"I can't get over you" isn't about a bad break-up. It's about how overwhelming the Lord's love is, especially when we resist it. His love has covered me. 

"I can't get over the way your love stays the same O Lord. I can't get over the way your love stays the same. Even through the good and the bad times, you stay the same. So my song will remain.

Hold me just a little bit closer, I don't wanna lose this moment. Your love has covered me and now I can't get over you."

"This moment" isn't embracing someone for those last 5 minutes before curfew. And a relationship with God shouldn't be based on emotions, but it is emotional. We are emotional. So there are moments when you just stop and see God. Tonight I just left my phone behind and drove. Into nature, into the sunset and open fields. I definitely want to live out in the country and not in a neighborhood some day. I was admiring the fields and horses and felt like I was in Ireland or Scotland with all the green around me and hills in the distance. But I eventually just had to stop. In the middle of the highway, I just stopped my car and sat down to watch the sun go down, to think about how beautiful the Lord is, and that was one of those moments when I just couldn't get over Him. I wanted to be held even closer. And the good thing is, I never have to say "goodnight" to God. He'll hold me as long as I hold onto Him and still doesn't let go when I run away. So when I listened to this song on my way home and heard "I don't wanna lose this moment," I understood it in a new way. God promises that when we pursue a relationship with Him, we'll find him. When I draw close to God, he'll come close to me. 

Going back to the husband thing, with a God like that, obviously no man can compare. But I'm praying for a man that can imitate that love for me that my Father has and that God will (in time) reveal to this man how to deal with me (because it'll likely take a revelation from God for someone to understand all this complicated mess). 

So... no matter how many annoying, stressful, insignificant yet urgent things are going on around me, my song should remain. I need to still praise Him.

"I will sing to the Lord as long as I live;

I will sing praise to my God while I have being.

May my meditation be pleasing to him,

for I rejoice in the Lord."

Psalm 104:33-34

a letter to me...

It is so cool to see God answering prayers in different ways. I've had prayers that it seems like there's no answer or that it's "no," but other answers to prayer are starting to be unveiled. I've always "known" that God answers prayer in His timing, but I'm starting to see how annoying that is for a selfish impatient daughter. In little ways, God answers me every day. When I feel so tired and unmotivated to do anything because my school is stupid and the people at my school are less than smart and I'd just rather be doing anything else... God gives me the encouragement and motivation I need. It seems like every Tuesday sucks for me until the last part of my day... so I thought last night "I need to write a letter to myself to read every Tuesday that will give me a little hope."

Dear me,
Let's face it. Tuesdays suck. It's not Monday, but it's not Friday. Even Mondays are better! You get pretty much no time to yourself. Your teachers are just annoyingly chipper and critical of everything you actually like. Chapel usually is overrated. You'll just eat lunch with the same people again and then try not to fall asleep in class....again. Then you'll go to work and your kids will decide to be extraordinarily inquisitive just because they can tell you have a headache from your lack of caffeine. Just be extra sweet to them. Because even if you're "extra sweet" today... it'll just be your normal patience level on a regular day that doesn't suck this bad. That one girl that's always super loud (what is she deaf in one ear or something?), she's gonna poke you over and over to get your attention, so just give her a hug instead of yelling at her to stop being a pest. Smile at all the parents, because hey! They're taking their kid with them! What more could you ask for? Okay... only a few more hours. I know you've been contemplating all day whether or not you really want to go to church tonight. You do. Just go. You never walk away thinking "dang it. why did I go? I could be asleep right now." And every time you skip? There's always those people who are like "You missed out last night." And you just regret it. So go. You get to sing songs that actually mean something, talk to people who have the same struggles you do, listen to music that is actually well done and it won't be those people from chapel that you're thinking "ugh...you again? just stop singing." - it's actually people who are good at what they do. You get to hear from someone about the best thing ever to talk about - your precious Savior who is always faithful and never runs out on you. Have you ever NOT learned something from whoever is preaching on a Tuesday night? Um... nope. So be excited! go! And be happy about it dang it! Then just go home and go to sleep.
You're welcome,
me.

Welcome to a little bit of my thoughts to myself....

Don't worry, be happy.

This post is not my own words and that's the main reason I'm so urgent in posting it. I want to remember these words and I know by typing them and proofreading and rereading them that I will remember better. And I want to share... so I'll start with Jesus' words...


“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

(Matthew 6:25-34 ESV)

James Bryan Smith wrote one of the books for my "psychology of caring for your soul" class called The Good and Beautiful Life. I do intend on keeping this one instead of selling it on amazon or to McKay's. It's definitely worth a close read. He exposes the false narratives many people live by and then gives Jesus' narratives that stand up against ours. At the end of each chapter is "soul training" and for worry, the soul training is to pray. (Forgive me for typos but I'll try to direct quote.)

"In this chapter is a verse in which Paul makes a direct connection between prayer and worry:

Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)

Once we have done all we can do in a given situation, we simply turn the matter over to God and thus prevent worry from taking over. For example, C. S. Lewis once said that a person who has weeds in his or her garden should not pray about the weeds but pull them up. But when we face situations we cannot change by direct effort, such as a loved one who is ill or a financial problem that extends beyond our resources, then we turn the matter over to God. Here are some practical guidelines to help you turn your cares into prayers this week:

• Each morning set aside ten to fifteen minutes.
• Think about all of the things you might be anxious about.
• Write them down in your journal or a notebook.
• Ask what you can do to remedy each of these situations.
• Make a note to yourself to do the things you can do.
• Turn everything else over to God. 
• Write your request to God, and be specific.

Be very specific in your prayers. Why? Most of our prayers are so vague that we would not even know if God had answered them. God can handle your specificity. If God has a better way of answering your prayers or dealing with your problems, you can be sure he will. Let him know what you need and desire. Cast your cares on God. Then wait and see what God does. 

Prayer helps us deal with our worries in several ways. First, we realize that the provision of the kingdom of God is available to us in every circumstance, large or small. Second, we see things from God's perspective, which puts our problems and concerns in a new light. I find that the practice of writing my prayers forces me to think about my concerns: are they driven by false narrative or centered on the advancement of the kingdom?

This is why I keep a prayer journal. I turn my cares into prayers on a regular basis, and I colabor with God in composing them. This helps my prayer life become a little less selfish. It is hard to write 'God, give me huge amount of money,' or 'God, can you make my enemies suffer.' In the middle of these sentences I would have to stop and laugh at myself. I may actually hope for those things, but they are not legitimate concerns or needs, and they are certainly not driven by seeking the kingdom first. 

Prayer is a totally gratuitous gift. God is not obligated to give us this privilege. God gives us this gift to help us discover how loving and caring he is, and to help us grow and mature, which is evidenced by what we ask for. The deeper my heart is in the kingdom of God, the more my prayer life is focused on the well-being of others. This doesn't mean we shouldn't pray for our own needs, but even prayers for our own well-being will reflect the values of the kingdom more than the values of this world.

May you experience the present strength and power of God as you pray, and may your worries diminish with each prayer." 

I'm not sure what I can add to that, but the part in purple is my absolute favorite. Now go buy the book.

spiritual goals

I'm not entirely sure that anyone really follows this blog anymore, but this is kind of a check up to keep myself accountable I guess. No one from my first blog about spiritual goals has really checked on me. My D group has, because that's what they're for, but in cyber world I guess there really is no accountability. But, allow me. I'll just tell you how I'm doing, even though you didn't ask. ;)

1. memorize Scripture and review often - I am still trying to memorize and have done my best made attempts at staying on schedule. At the end of January we started memorizing Psalm 103 and by the middle of March were supposed to have all 22 consecutive verses memorized. Toward the end of Psalm 103 (about verse 15) I started to get confused, but I still practiced some and made my notecards. Hopefully with some shorter verses now I can get back on track. I hate being behind.

2. Finish study of Colossians - I didn't do this because it was more like homework. I started doing the E100 Plan and that has been working better for me. It is not as in depth as the study of Colossians I started, but it was something I was able to keep up with and not have a problem if I missed a couple days in between. I have been using the HEAR method with these passages and have been learning from the Old Testament. As you can see, I didn't start at the beginning because I was reading Proverbs in January and trying to do my Colossians study. So I started on day 16 and am up to day 50 now... Starting on the New Testament this week. When I finish, maybe I'll start back in Genesis.

3. Finish study of Holy Spirit - still might do this this summer, but not until school's out.

4. Apply principles from message in church - make notecards with application points, sticky notes - I haven't made note cards or sticky notes, but I have occasionally read back over sermon notes and studied further into them. I hear about 5 sermons (loosely defined) a week between Sunday school, Sunday church, Tuesday chapel, Tuesday church, and Thursday chapel. So sometimes I can't really remember what so and so preached on last week. I could do better on this one.

5. Be more bold with my faith and sharing the gospel. - This one isn't so great... I can talk to you about what God's doing in my life, but I haven't shared the gospel. I think a big reason for this is that I'm usually in "Christian" places - school, church, BX, work (a Christian school), but that still is no excuse.

6. Pray more intimately with God. - This is one that is up and down for me. Some weeks I hardly pray at all, or I feel like I hardly pray at all because I haven't journaled or written my prayer down. So the next week I resolve to write a prayer every day and that goes alright for a week. Then I forget again the next week. I think my prayer life has improved but it is not nearly what it should be. Prayer shows my dependence on God and I can tell a huge correlation in how my life goes with how dependent upon the Lord I am.

7. Love God with more than my mind. - I'm not really sure how to measure this or how to even look for it in my life, but under the "specific - how? when?" part of my goals, I wrote "Ask God for a soft heart and teachable spirit - sensitive to the Holy Spirit." For a while I hardened my heart to anything religious because I was just so sick of it Especially when I am in school and disagree with so many of the narratives behind some statements made in chapel services, it's a constant struggle for me to maintain a balance between being extremely critical of everything one says and being that person that overlooks major doctrinal flaws and just AMEN!s when he talks about Jesus' love. I want a happy medium of being able to discern what's true and what's not but still opening my heart to God, knowing that He can speak to me, even by using someone who says something I don't completely agree with. So I guess in summary, this one is a work in progress. To those people I can trust to teach truth, I seem to have a higher sensitivity to the Lord's working in my heart.

I also planned to review my goals every 2 weeks... I haven't exactly done that because I knew I was pretty much on track as far as reading my Bible and praying and memorizing... although I was slacking some.

So... if you care to, pray for me in these areas, encourage me, and it's okay to ask me how I'm doing on something specific. I won't be mad at you and tell you to mind your own business if you ask me how my prayer life is or if I've shared the gospel lately... I might even like you better if you do ask. (Not that your life goal is for me to like you better... but ya know).

words I'll never say

This curser is blinking at me waiting for me to say something, but I don't really want to say what's on my mind. There are some things I think about often and in my mind have conversations with the people I'll never actually tell my thoughts to. But why? I guess...because it's not always socially acceptable to say what I'm thinking. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it to even go there. What usually happens when I speak my mind? Someone takes it as argumentative instead of discussionally (is that a word?) and they get offended instead of really talking with me and returning my honesty so we can work out our differences. Sometimes I don't say what I'm thinking because I'm just not ready to deal with whatever issue has come up. Maybe I'm too busy to give it enough attention, or maybe I just don't have the energy to carry on a mature conversation.

I believe sometimes people just can't restore the relationship they used to have. The best friend from when you were 6 years old... the ex boyfriend from when you were 16 ... the best friend you saw every day at school but now that you've graduated you never see anymore and suddenly, you're not as close anymore... the coworker that tears down a few walls to get to know you outside of work, then you quit and don't make an effort to see each other. I have all of these and more. And there are days when I truly wish I could have what I had again. I want to have an innocent friendship where we did nothing all day and argued about dumb stuff but didn't have any disagreements that really kept us from being friends. I miss having a guy for a best friend who I was completely vulnerable with, almost an escape from the rest of my life. I miss talking during the downtime in high school about every day stuff that isn't really significant, but that makes people grow closer. I miss venting to a coworker who's equally as angry at stupid people.

But I don't.
I have better friends now who can have real and meaningful conversations instead of childish ones. I'm happier without a boyfriend than I was at 16 with who I thought was the love of my life. I enjoy talking to new people who don't know every detail of my life, and learning about new people. I certainly don't miss venting about work because my job is pretty much awesome now.

So... the words I'll never say...

It truly breaks my heart to see the direction your life has gone. I wish I could say it's amazing to see how far we've grown spiritually since we were baptized together, but it's quite the opposite. There's no sign whatsoever of Christ in your life. You just decide to ask for prayer when something sucks in your life. You just claim Jesus when you have convictions about treating gay people with respect, without really knowing what the Bible says about it. But your life is a mess now, and the way you're living, it's not getting any better. So I'll pray, but talking to you is pointless at this point.

I really don't understand why we can't have at least an aquaintance relationship. Just because so many emotions happened back then doesn't mean we can't forgive and at least say hi when we pass each other. I'm not really sure why I get the idea that you hate me and don't want to speak to me. I don't really have a desire to be close friends with you, but it would be nice to be able to catch up on the last few years of our lives and see how we've changed. But maybe you haven't.

I struggle to find a balance between treasuring long friendships, and branching out to make new ones.

My face, especially when I was in my teens, shows my heart. When I think you're stupid, it shows on my face. When I am excited, obviously it shows. When I am just doing what I'm told because I have to, my resentment shows. When I don't really want to be talking to you, the bitterness shows on my face. So... I need to learn to manage my face. I love that phrase because it's funny but so ... true. To manage my face is nearly impossible. God designed me with an honesty that I can't really deny no matter how I try to smile when I'm angry. So... my task then is not to manage my face so much as to manage my heart. My thoughts and feelings come through my actions and my body. So in order to change my body (facial expressions), I need to change my thoughts and feelings. I need to have a better attitude about things I don't want to do... which basically kicks my pride in the face and that just isn't fun. And the honesty issue as far as things I'll never say? Maybe I will say them. Maybe I will tell the person what I'm waiting for to make our relationship right. Maybe I will tell that person why I really don't want to be friends with them. Maybe I will confront the people who are too ignorant for my honesty to even accomplish anything.

But maybe not.

Everything I Need

You know those friends you have that you might go talk to when things are going well in your life and they encourage you and you both act like everything is peachy? Then... you know those friends that you can hang out with when things really are peachy but you can also come to them with your burdens and pain. I have plenty of friends that I can talk to about basic things, but when I really need to talk... I don't go to people. My best friends have been the ones who can tell when I'm not okay and ask the right questions to break me down til I just spill everything out. My best friends have told me when I'm not acting right and when I need to work on things. They don't just smile like everything's perfect all the time.

I'm glad I don't have a God that just exists to make me feel better. Yes, God  loves me and has tons of promises I can cling to... but the part I like least about God's love is his discipline. Like any good father, he doesn't let me get away with things that aren't pleasing to him. Often times it's hard for me to point out my own sin even when I think about it for a few minutes. I'm a pretty good person by people's standards... so to find my deepest sins I have to look beyond what people can see - into my heart. Some sins are evident by people's behavior/lifestyle and some are inward and not easily detectable.

God's definitely not finished with me yet but he's just starting to chisel away at me. I have issues with authority for a few different reasons, but those aren't important. Some authority is great because they understand me and I understand them. But in more than one of my jobs, dealing with my boss has been the hardest part of the job. I have an idea in my head of how I think a boss should run things and if that doesn't happen I tend to think I don't need to be submissive. God's put certain people in my life to show up my pride. ... Don't ask God to show you things you need to get rid of... he'll do it, and it hurts.

This song, Everything I Need, tells how God is much greater than me. He is strong when I'm not. He's comfort when I'm uncomfortable. When I NEED someone... He's there. He's not the friend who acts like everything is perfect. He's the friend who holds me when I need to cry, tells me when I'm wrong, and stands by me to make me into the right person. I don't even understand everything I need... but He does. And He fulfills that.

We're all searching

To forewarn you, this will be one of those blogs when I just speak my mind unapologetically. It's struck me around the time that I've turned 21 how different my life is from that of other people just like me.

We grew up in the same neighborhood, went to the same school, rode the same bus, spent our summers together. Although are lives are foundationally different, we were very much the same and we shared our differences even when we didn't understand them. Sometimes I feel that you're so shallow. I can't say I didn't expect for you to go a little crazy after leaving the most protective home I've ever seen. But you've been gone almost 5 years now and you haven't had enough yet. It wouldn't bother me as much if you didn't claim to be a Christian and ask for people to pray for you when things aren't well. I still remember being on the phone with you crying, not knowing how to tell you about Jesus because I didn't want to leave anything out. So I asked my dad to tell you and I truly believed you got saved and we were even baptized together! But now nothing in your life shows any sign of Jesus. You've made some stupid decisions and that's okay! But don't continue in your lifestyle of foolishness and claim to have a relationship with the same God I have. I'm no better than you whatsoever. This isn't about me... it's about an inconsistency that I just can't put up with anymore. If you want to live your life that way, fine. Do it. That's your choice, but don't bring my Lord into it and claim He's yours. If you're gunna claim Him, live it.

I don't know your story, but I've seen your life that you've put on display for everyone to see over the past year. I never really did like you because you're loud and I'm not. You talked about stuff I didn't care to hear about. But that was okay with me... the fact that I didn't like you. I mean, it's life. It happens. You can't like everyone. I guess you took it a little more personally and decided to hate me. Then we have this long talk about stupid guys and find out we don't really hate each other after all. It breaks my heart because you're a perfect example of what my generation is. You don't have a good relationship with your father so you search everywhere for that love, affirmation, worth of a man. So you go from one to the next. You do anything to make people like you. You love the same people they love, hate the same people they hate, and try to emulate everything. Life is hard and you always say you'll get through it with this guy... until you break up and it's this new guy... for the next 3 months. Can't you see that it doesn't satisfy? That it's not that you keep finding the wrong guys, it's that NO guy is enough to fulfill what you really need? There's not enough alcohol in any bar or drugs in all the world to give you what you need. But we're all searching for something.

I heard about that void inside each of us before I really understood what it was. Sometimes I'm ashamed of my testimony because it's not radical in the eyes of people. You know those people who were on the verge of suicide and overdosed and bla bla bla.. then Jesus saved them and their lives were totally changed. Mine's not like that and I'm so, so, so, so, SO thankful for that. I see a little more every day what God saved me FROM. He protected me by giving me decent parents. He shielded me from overexposure to sex and drugs by sending me to a Christian school. (Yes there's drugs at Christian schools... that's a different conversation.) Through many other people around me who were hurt, God kept me from hurting myself and pushing me farther into sin than I was. There's a lot of things I can say about myself that people would say "good for you! I'm so glad you're not like these other kids who screw up their lives with sex and alcohol and dead-end jobs." But it's not "good for me." If it was my choice, I very likely would be in the same positions as my "friends." The right response is "Praise God" ... for putting a blanket over me and keeping the wrong influences from getting too close. There aren't HUGE sins that God saved me out of like those with a powerful testimony. But God saved me from ever having to experience addictions like these.

You've probably heard of and seen the "cardboard testimonials" that are a very short version of who a person was before Christ and who he/she is now. If I had one of those, I'm not entirely sure what it would say. Probably something like "Christian school girl to true follower of Jesus." That might not make sense to you. But to me, it does. I've been in a Christian school for longer than I feel like counting right now and at a Christian school, you just say you're a Christian because everyone does. Because of this fad, I can't tell you exactly when I was saved. Yeah, I prayed when I was 7, but I don't think I truly understood salvation. I prayed when I was 14 and was so convicted by not reaching out to my unsaved neighbors. I remember saying "if I'm not saved, save me now." But again, that prayer isn't really what saves you. During high school my daily relationship with God wasn't really on fire. I did that retreat thing where everyone goes off to some remote area with no cell phone service and ends up crying because of the emotions they stir up. Then 2-3 weeks later, I couldn't tell ya what I learned or what change was made in my life. In college, I think due to the more lax environment, I've been able to find God for myself. I didn't seek him because it was my homework, but because God put a desire in me to really know Him. So the change in my life has been from the result of a boring, legalistic Christian school environment plagued by 2-faced-ness transformed into an exciting, challenging, daily journey to knowing God better so that I can obey him more and love him more.

It's interesting to learn about people who grew up in the same classrooms, same church pews, and same cafeteria as I did and see where they are now. It's only been 3 years since I graduated but even in 3 years, so much happens. People are hurting and crying out, searching for true joy...